A Poem: The Water

Sometimes I stare at the water,
It seems so far away,
I think about the life I’m living, today,
What if I,
Could,
Jump aboard a boat, and believe that it would,
Take me to another place,
A place where my soul is not bothered by ghosts of months before,
And a heart that used to feel so much love, isn’t anymore so sore,
From the hurt of heartbreak and the fall of love,
The water seems so perfect,
Ripples do often fade,
But water is never still,
Summertime swimming knows me best,
For there were many times underwater I was,
And naked my eyes were,
Don’t open your eyes underwater without goggles!”
They would often tell me,
Over and over,
But yet, day by day, there I was,
Eyes naked underneath in the calm waters,
Only learning my lesson when I emerge and feel that warm sting overcome my eyes,
And the red veins appeared,
Little did I know this would be comparable to my life story,
Eyes wide open, without proper protection,
Loving endlessly and left with a warm bitter sting of disappointment.

~

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Until next time…

Master and Commander, Fjb

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New Years

Greeting readers,

Happy New Year! I have been on a bit of a writing hiatus and have decided to come back in full force. I celebrated the new year with some very good family and friends but yet of course there was a piece missing.

I have been avoiding truly feeling the complete loss of Z. It’s easy for people to simply say, “You need to just move on. You’re better off.” Etc. Etc.

But, I don’t want to. I know what I am about to say sounds crazy but if in order to stay connected to him even in the least bit – if that means I still clutch to this part, this memory… then that is what I want. Regardless of how much it will hurt, regardless of how much I will feel hopeless, regardless of how much it will make me sick, I want it. I don’t know what the future holds for me but all I can and want to worry about, is now.

I know this all sounds incredibly unhealthy and perhaps a little insane, far from all rationale, but it’s what I am feeling in the now.

This recurring question or theme of question has been coming up quite frequently lately. People are curious to know, As a result of your breakup – what have you learned? What can you take away from this relationship?

When I have been getting this question, my response is a shrug of my shoulders and a look away. Hiding my face of distress.

Do you want to know my honest answer?

Nothing. 

I fell in love, followed my heart and seemingly found my forever mate only to be lied to & disappointed. What is there to learn from that?

I was my most mature self and thought I had finally found my counterpart in life. Someone with maturity and the ambition to match… There were no real issues within our relationship, only the demons that haunted him from the past.

One of my closest siblings suffers from extreme depression so becoming romantically involved with someone who suffers from seasonal depression and daily anxiety was not something that would easily scare me away. I myself have suffered from depression and deal with my own anxiety demons as well. Not very many are aware of the part of my mind that constantly derails and sucks me down into the deepest darkest spots, but it’s there – alive and well.

So what’s done is done. There is no going back and I only must move forward. Recalling back to one of my earlier blogs where I quoted my ex-husband ranting about how I was impossible to love and that no being would want to marry me. I can’t help but think he’s right. I know that I am not impossible to love, I have close friends and family that truly love me, yes. I have that. But to love someone you want to marry, romantically spend your life with, have a partner for life – perhaps he was right. With Z, I came close. If he had asked me to marry him, I would have said yes without hesitation and married him the next day. I thought the feeling was mutual – but I was wrong.

Here’s to the new year, although I am starting it off holding on to my shit from the past – I am still moving forward and I refuse to wither away. This quite conflicting attitude of mine I can only hope becomes clearer as the days move forward.

I wish you all a great start to the new year, happiness and health.

Until next time…

Master and Commander, FjB

A Story: One and Every Evening.

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It’s the evening time and she walks through the magnetic mesh and through the patio door. It’s cold on this night and the brisk air feels as if it is attempting to enter her skin. She sits down and stares down at her pack of cigarettes, proceeds to pull one out and light it up. The first inhale providing a physical sensation of relief… this she knows is feeding her unhealthy addiction. With every inhale and exhale, the thoughts begin to roll in. As she attempts to evade these thoughts she soon realizes her efforts are useless. For her mind is going to continue to wander into the darkness that is filled with much void. She finishes her cigarette, dissatisfied and gloomy.

She looks around at her empty house and contemplates the one thing which her mind relentlessly compels her to contemplate… the future. Now she is standing in her bathroom, looking in the mirror, silently asking herself the same questions over and over.

How did I end up here?
What did I do to deserve this?
Why can’t I just be happy?

These questions, she knows, are not ones that she can provide answers to. At times in this empty house, she moves forward about her day and recalls memories that appear almost as ghosts now. However these ghosts come to her in visions and she relives each and every one of them. This continues on, every single day. This is what is breaking her down and although behind a laugh or a smile, she knows that deep down inside the walls are foreclosing in on her. She is the ultimate liar. Mom and Dad see she’s happy, so that must be true. Sister and brother see she’s happy, so that must be true. Yes…this is what she wants. To be left alone in her own world of sorrow and grief. This is how she will continue her days and beyond. For unfortunately, there is not a cure for everyone. For unfortunately, there is no sunrise at the end of a dark night. For unfortunately, not everyone can survive the bitter and disparaging storm.

This, she knows. As much as at times she will try to save herself, she will continue to drown in the misery that has been so clearly laid out in front of her as her destiny.

All of this occurs, in one and every evening. She puts herself to bed, lays awake in a piercing silence only to wake the next morning and live this life all over again.

~

Master and Commander, FjB