Forgetting Someone.


Greetings readers,

Welcome to the new year. As we near the end of January, I am reflecting on what has been a pretty crazy few weeks of 2018 so far. I feel as though on the surface I have been able to keep busy and keep my mind occupied however, the feelings & thoughts that I have been so successful at suffocating are beginning to inflate.

Today I will be talking about my battle in trying to forget someone.

Which is, in a few words – fucking hard.

Let’s recall back to early 2017 when, O-EM-GEE, I found the love of my life ya’ll!!!

… so I had thought.

February 2017 through to about October 2017 were probably one of the greatest months of my life and now, all I want at this moment is to forget every single moment of it. I don’t think I have wanted to forget someone so much in my entire life until now. I wish I had never met him, I wish I had never dated him, got close, opened up my life, my trust, my heart, my family — my everything. All to one person who took it for granted.

I think at the beginning of any type of relationship, we admire all of the good in people. We are reminded of how caring and kind a person can be and we are reminded of this so much so that we completely forget about how cruel a person can also be.

Paul was supposed to be different. He was supposed to be mature, caring and accountable. In the end he was none of the above. He fulfilled all of the needs I ever expressed and painted a picture of the future that was so clear & within grasp. Little did I know all of that would be washed away in the most cowardly fashion possible.

I understand mental health issues to its fullest extent having grown up with a younger sibling who battled severe depression since I can remember. I am well-versed in mental illness from my own experiences as well. Words are incapable of doing justice to the feelings you carry while dealing with mental health issues. However, that is no excuse to behave as if you are unaware on your actions affect others nor is it an excuse to forget to be accountable for your actions. Mental health issues are not to be your scapegoat for which you blame your choices on – they may be able to explain certain behavior or actions but they do not define the way you are accountable for the things that you do. Especially when it comes to concern the lives of others, children or family included.

So here I am, praying to God every day, wishing that I could drill out all of the past memories, the feelings I have in order to simply move on and forget. This relationship taught me nothing. There were no lessons to be learned and no takeaways for future reference. This just plain, hurts.

Paul got everything and left me with nothing.

He broke everything that I had worked so hard to build, within myself and the way I viewed romantic relationships. I’m not sure where to go from here. I mean, I know that when you’re at the bottom, the only way to go is up but I feel like I haven’t even started to transcend.

I am grieving. Grieving the loss of a man that never really existed. A man that was a figment of perhaps both of our imaginations. A man who wore the perfect mask and bore the perfect language.

I am exhausted. Exhausted from feeling this way, exhausted from feeling this pain and remembering and trying so hard to forget. I’m no longer angry, I just want to be free of this.

I will continue to write and post about my journey through this in hopes that I can inspire others to pull themselves up after they have fallen. I am trying to get there.

Until next time…

-Master and Commander, FjB




Moving Forward.

Greetings readers,

Life has been moving along these days and passing by quite quickly as well. I haven’t been writing lately and not sure that has been helping my current state of mind. As usual, I wish I had all of the right answers and I wish I could change certain situations that are out of my control. The holidays are here and along with it all of my fears and uncertainties. I wrote this poem a few weeks ago that I’d like to share. Although my life was a little different then, I feel it still accurately represents what I am going through. Enjoy.

Here comes the fall,
I’m in it now,

And I’ve lost it all,
Still asking myself, how?
Here comes the truth,
I have to hear it now, 
I want to fight, but what’s the use?
I can hear the walls falling,
It’s much too loud,
You left me here, and continue to play with my heart,
Up and down, here, not there,
Where do I start?
You’ve broken my soul,
There’s nothing left,
Darkness has taken a hold,
Over everything I kept,
Clutching hard to the memories and what we used to have,
I wish you loved me more,
Than you do your demons,
For then we could survive,
Hand in hand, heart in heart,
I fear every time you come, you’ll leave again,
And here I’ll be,
Still broken, not mended. 

Until next time…

Master and Commander, FjB



Greetings readers,

Part of losing a relationship you once had doesn’t just include mourning the loss of just one person. When you’re with someone, their friends become your friends, or their family becomes your family. So when you grieve over a lover, you’re also bound to grieve the loss of those extended relationships as well.

What has been on my mind lately is one person. One pure young heart that I fell in love with. 10 years on this earth and already wise beyond his years…still a kid at heart of course, but wise nonetheless.

I can’t wrap my head around not being able to see him again, or make fun beach plans, or that I’ll never be able to take him to more concerts, or bring him around my family, my nieces and nephews. My parents, that would love and spoil the shit outta him… I’ve been avoiding these thoughts lately and they’ve finally caught up to me.

Sure, it was just a few months that I was really spending quality time with him but, that’s all that it took. I fell in love with him and from that moment on I wanted to give him everything. I can still hear him say that my Mac and cheese was the best he’d ever had! That’s a statement alright, and one that I’ll always remember. I also think about all of the wrestling, the tickle fights and most of all, the love we shared for ev-er-y-thing nerdly.

Most of all, I go back to the moments where he would embrace me with a tender long hug or when we were laying down watching a movie or show. Him next to me, asking me the most intriguing questions or simply just leaning on me. He has this way of bringing out a light in you, and it didn’t matter what shitty day or week you had because he just made it better.

And his laugh, oh my gosh, his laugh, could seriously bring anyone out of the darkest mood. I miss it. I miss him.

I know I have to deal with the fact that I’ll never have that back, and it truly rips my heart into pieces. I wish I could hug him again, see his smile, but I can’t. And I won’t. My days have been very dark lately because all of these realities are coming to a head and I don’t really know how to deal with it all. All I know is that a few months ago I was so incredibly fulfilled and right now, I feel like so much Love has been ripped out from my insides. I’m living in just a shell of a body, day in and day out. My soul is broken.

I apologize for all of my recent quite morose posts as of late. But as I have promised, I will always share my truth and this is real life. This is my life and there’s no choice of hiding behind empty words for me. This is pure honesty from my heart.

Until next time…

-Master and Commander, FjB




Greetings readers,

I have never really understood when people would explain how heartbreak can physically affect you. I have read tons of articles and have spoken with people who have described this feeling – however it is extremely hard to relate unless you have felt it. I was the outsider looking in on this concept, until now.

Continue reading