Moving Forward.

Greetings readers,

Life has been moving along these days and passing by quite quickly as well. I haven’t been writing lately and not sure that has been helping my current state of mind. As usual, I wish I had all of the right answers and I wish I could change certain situations that are out of my control. The holidays are here and along with it all of my fears and uncertainties. I wrote this poem a few weeks ago that I’d like to share. Although my life was a little different then, I feel it still accurately represents what I am going through. Enjoy.

Here comes the fall,
I’m in it now,

And I’ve lost it all,
Still asking myself, how?
Here comes the truth,
I have to hear it now, 
I want to fight, but what’s the use?
I can hear the walls falling,
It’s much too loud,
You left me here, and continue to play with my heart,
Up and down, here, not there,
Where do I start?
You’ve broken my soul,
There’s nothing left,
Darkness has taken a hold,
Over everything I kept,
Clutching hard to the memories and what we used to have,
I wish you loved me more,
Than you do your demons,
For then we could survive,
Hand in hand, heart in heart,
I fear every time you come, you’ll leave again,
And here I’ll be,
Still broken, not mended. 

Until next time…

Master and Commander, FjB

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Zechariah.

Greetings readers,

Part of losing a relationship you once had doesn’t just include mourning the loss of just one person. When you’re with someone, their friends become your friends, or their family becomes your family. So when you grieve over a lover, you’re also bound to grieve the loss of those extended relationships as well.

What has been on my mind lately is one person. One pure young heart that I fell in love with. 10 years on this earth and already wise beyond his years…still a kid at heart of course, but wise nonetheless.

I can’t wrap my head around not being able to see him again, or make fun beach plans, or that I’ll never be able to take him to more concerts, or bring him around my family, my nieces and nephews. My parents, that would love and spoil the shit outta him… I’ve been avoiding these thoughts lately and they’ve finally caught up to me.

Sure, it was just a few months that I was really spending quality time with him but, that’s all that it took. I fell in love with him and from that moment on I wanted to give him everything. I can still hear him say that my Mac and cheese was the best he’d ever had! That’s a statement alright, and one that I’ll always remember. I also think about all of the wrestling, the tickle fights and most of all, the love we shared for ev-er-y-thing nerdly.

Most of all, I go back to the moments where he would embrace me with a tender long hug or when we were laying down watching a movie or show. Him next to me, asking me the most intriguing questions or simply just leaning on me. He has this way of bringing out a light in you, and it didn’t matter what shitty day or week you had because he just made it better.

And his laugh, oh my gosh, his laugh, could seriously bring anyone out of the darkest mood. I miss it. I miss him.

I know I have to deal with the fact that I’ll never have that back, and it truly rips my heart into pieces. I wish I could hug him again, see his smile, but I can’t. And I won’t. My days have been very dark lately because all of these realities are coming to a head and I don’t really know how to deal with it all. All I know is that a few months ago I was so incredibly fulfilled and right now, I feel like so much Love has been ripped out from my insides. I’m living in just a shell of a body, day in and day out. My soul is broken.

I apologize for all of my recent quite morose posts as of late. But as I have promised, I will always share my truth and this is real life. This is my life and there’s no choice of hiding behind empty words for me. This is pure honesty from my heart.

Until next time…

-Master and Commander, FjB

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Z

Heartbreak.

Greetings readers,

I have never really understood when people would explain how heartbreak can physically affect you. I have read tons of articles and have spoken with people who have described this feeling – however it is extremely hard to relate unless you have felt it. I was the outsider looking in on this concept, until now.

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Feelings of Inadequacy

Greetings readers,

As this year continues to fly by faster than I could ever imagine… the lessons to be learned are nothing short of present. I’d like to reflect more on what I wrote on in my previous blog. As I have been spending some time reflecting and mediating within myself solutions to my recurring issues. I feel that it really all boils down to the following:

Feelings of inadequacy. 

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