It’s the evening time and she walks through the magnetic mesh and through the patio door. It’s cold on this night and the brisk air feels as if it is attempting to enter her skin. She sits down and stares down at her pack of cigarettes, proceeds to pull one out and light it up. The first inhale providing a physical sensation of relief… this she knows is feeding her unhealthy addiction. With every inhale and exhale, the thoughts begin to roll in. As she attempts to evade these thoughts she soon realizes her efforts are useless. For her mind is going to continue to wander into the darkness that is filled with much void. She finishes her cigarette, dissatisfied and gloomy.
She looks around at her empty house and contemplates the one thing which her mind relentlessly compels her to contemplate… the future. Now she is standing in her bathroom, looking in the mirror, silently asking herself the same questions over and over.
How did I end up here?
What did I do to deserve this?
Why can’t I just be happy?
These questions, she knows, are not ones that she can provide answers to. At times in this empty house, she moves forward about her day and recalls memories that appear almost as ghosts now. However these ghosts come to her in visions and she relives each and every one of them. This continues on, every single day. This is what is breaking her down and although behind a laugh or a smile, she knows that deep down inside the walls are foreclosing in on her. She is the ultimate liar. Mom and Dad see she’s happy, so that must be true. Sister and brother see she’s happy, so that must be true. Yes…this is what she wants. To be left alone in her own world of sorrow and grief. This is how she will continue her days and beyond. For unfortunately, there is not a cure for everyone. For unfortunately, there is no sunrise at the end of a dark night. For unfortunately, not everyone can survive the bitter and disparaging storm.
This, she knows. As much as at times she will try to save herself, she will continue to drown in the misery that has been so clearly laid out in front of her as her destiny.
All of this occurs, in one and every evening. She puts herself to bed, lays awake in a piercing silence only to wake the next morning and live this life all over again.
–Master and Commander, FjB