Life has been moving along these days and passing by quite quickly as well. I haven’t been writing lately and not sure that has been helping my current state of mind. As usual, I wish I had all of the right answers and I wish I could change certain situations that are out of my control. The holidays are here and along with it all of my fears and uncertainties. I wrote this poem a few weeks ago that I’d like to share. Although my life was a little different then, I feel it still accurately represents what I am going through. Enjoy.
Here comes the fall,
I’m in it now,
And I’ve lost it all,
Still asking myself, how?
Here comes the truth,
I have to hear it now,
I want to fight, but what’s the use?
I can hear the walls falling,
It’s much too loud,
You left me here, and continue to play with my heart,
Up and down, here, not there,
Where do I start?
You’ve broken my soul,
There’s nothing left,
Darkness has taken a hold,
Over everything I kept,
Clutching hard to the memories and what we used to have,
I wish you loved me more,
Than you do your demons,
For then we could survive,
Hand in hand, heart in heart,
I fear every time you come, you’ll leave again,
And here I’ll be,
Still broken, not mended.
Until next time…
–Master and Commander, FjB
I am still on my journey to find peace and happiness. I don’t have much to say but I’d like to share one of my favorite poems from the book The Lord of The Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring, by J.R.R Tolkien that has always resonated with me but now more than ever. Enjoy.
“All that is Gold does not Glitter,
Not all those who Wander are Lost,
The old that is Strong does not Wither,
Deep roots are not reached by the frost,
From the ashes a Fire shall be Woken,
A Light from the shadow shall Spring,
Renewed shall be Blade that was Broken,
The Crownless again shall be King”
– J.R.R. Tolkien
Until next time…
-Master and Commander, FjB
I’m looking around at all of this blank space,
I close my eyes,
Feeling this emptiness that is slowly invading my soul,
And pulling my life from me,
As I watch from the sidelines,
I open my eyes and to no surprise,
Gasping for air and only inhaling water,
I’m turning the pages of this wordless book,
Page after page,
Blank space after blank space,
Trying to find the end, but what, end?
What will be the end to this strung out story?
My love is my disease and this disease is spreading,
Taking control of my bloodstream, shriveling my cells,
The only cure I know,
But you’re too far away,
Like an astronomer, wishing that they could travel above and join the stars & the moon,
But there’s no travel out there for me,
No train I can catch nor a plane I can fly on,
I’m left sitting here, in the vast darkness that is my heart.
As life always promises such, I am experiencing a wave of ‘ups’ and ‘downs’. I am continuing to try to stay healthy both physically and mentally despite this turn of events. I have written another poem that I would like to share, it’s called Repeat.
This is a poem I wrote over the weekend and it best expresses the way I am feeling at this time in my life. I am planning on reading it live at open mic night this week and hope that it can give me some type of release.
As this year continues to fly by faster than I could ever imagine… the lessons to be learned are nothing short of present. I’d like to reflect more on what I wrote on in my previous blog. As I have been spending some time reflecting and mediating within myself solutions to my recurring issues. I feel that it really all boils down to the following:
Feelings of inadequacy.
I’d like to paint a picture…
It’s 1:00 AM and I am awake. I know that I will have to be up and conscious in about 5 hours for work. The thought of which only causes me to stress more about why I’m not asleep. I close my eyes, and imagine sleeping… 20 minutes later… nothing. Still awake.
What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I just go to sleep?
My mind starts to wander. Wandering is bad. At least at this time of night. I start thinking about my life, how I got here, the choices that I have made, things that I regret. This list continues to grow. I’m rewinding my life in my head… earlier that day…last week… 2 years ago… 5 years ago….