Falling Back.

Greetings readers,

Often when we are getting over someone, it almost feels like we are overcoming an addiction. It used to be that when you broke up with someone, or if someone broke up with you, you wouldn’t have to see or hear about them as much or if at all. This ultimately aided in healing process and allowed for you to completely move on from that relationship.

Unfortunately, in today’s age, there is a little thing called social media. And with it comes all of the wonderful yet not so wonderful memories of your past. It’s almost a bit embarrassing, to have to go through and remove all of the old pictures, posts and maybe even comments from when you were in a relationship that has since ended. It used to be maybe we had pictures to throw away…teddy bears or stuffed animals…letters… but times have changed. There are digital reminders just about everywhere making it almost impossible to properly grieve over a past relationship.

I myself am experiencing this to the fullest extent. I feel like a broken record, repeatedly writing about this break up but unfortunately, I have not been able to move on. I can’t remember the last time it took me this long to get over someone… I don’t know if I have ever experienced this.

I did something bad. I gave in. While looking through old pictures and social media posts (thanks Facebook), I texted him. After doing so well at trying to put him out of my thoughts, I cracked. I couldn’t help myself, I continued to have a conversation with him as if nothing had happened. Avoiding true feelings and issues, this is Paul’s specialty – so it was easy for him to engage in day-to-day conversation as if we had some type of friendship. I told him I loved and missed him, and he said the same. I felt high. I felt that surge of euphoria come over me the entire conversation. As soon as it was over, I wanted more. This continued on for a few days, until I received my karma… my reminder as to why I am in the position that I am in.

We’re having a conversation about a past fun memory and while explaining to him how I felt, I got what I deserved, A Reminder. We were talking about a 10K event that we ran together for the city’s Strawberry festival. To make it especially fun, we dressed up as Strawberry’s – the whole rounded costume and everything, matching. During our conversation, I mentioned that I had signed up for this same running event and he assumed I would be dressing up in the same getup. When I responded no, he asked why and I explained that it was because it was something that he and I did together, that I couldn’t because of that. Then he called that reason, my reason “Silly”.

I’m not sure what the thought process is when a person tells someone expressing their feelings and using the word “Silly”. At that moment, I got my karma and had this moment asking myself, what the fuck am I doing. And I don’t really know. I don’t think that anyone has ever really told this man how much of an asshole he really is. For someone who claims mental and emotional instability, it’s incredible how much he can inflict the same onto others. Especially me, the one who he royally screwed over. Anyway, that is all beside the point.

The point is, when we’re faced with this temptation, with that urge or need to reach out to someone we have ended a relationship with – have strength and think twice. If someone truly loves you, they’ll fight through any hardship, any storm to be with you. Whether those hardships are internal battles seeming impossible to overcome. Which means that if a relationship did not work out because the other did not fight to be with you, there’s a reason they are no longer in your life now. And it should stay that way.

Until next time…

-Master and Commander, FjB

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Poem: I see you.

Greetings readers,

As I was looking through my notebook of poems, I came across a poem I wrote about a year ago from now. It’s odd that I did not date this poem because typically I date everything. My life is completely different from where I was in April of last year, but I would still like to share it. Although this poem is about Paul, who is no longer in my life, I think that sharing these old feelings will help in my healing process from this heartbreak. Enjoy.

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I see you.

Sometimes we unexpectedly meet someone and out entire life changes,
The moment you exchange words,
It becomes the only interaction you want to engage in.
February 25th, 2017,
My entire life changed.
I met the most beautiful soul I had ever seen,
I fell in love, hard and without complaint.
March 21st, 2017,
A day I was beyond petrified for,
Feeling so alone and terrified of the unknown with my health,
But you were there for me, I couldn’t have asked for anything more,
After my MRI,
You surprised me with a cup of ambition and you made me feel like I could fly,
I felt I could prepare for any outcome of the test with you by my side,
That day, I knew I loved you,
And I want you to know that I see you,
I love you and all of your broken pieces,
True love can overcome any demons, believe me when I say this,
When you look in the mirror and see all that you wish away,
Know that I see you and I know you’ll be okay,
My love for you knows no bounds,
And every day that passes it becomes more profound,
Like a sailor’s love for the sea,
Like a hiker’s love for an elegant tree,
You will rise and you will fall,
And I will there by your side through it all,
I will love you in the darkness during the times you cannot love yourself,
To support you, watch you pick back up and overcome,
All that you have ever withheld,
I want you to know that I see you,
And what I say I know is our truth,
There’s a reason for us, this, and this stonewall of struggles,
We will break it down together, side by side and arise through the rubble.
~~

Until next time…

Master and Commander, FjB

 

Forgetting Someone.

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Greetings readers,

Welcome to the new year. As we near the end of January, I am reflecting on what has been a pretty crazy few weeks of 2018 so far. I feel as though on the surface I have been able to keep busy and keep my mind occupied however, the feelings & thoughts that I have been so successful at suffocating are beginning to inflate.

Today I will be talking about my battle in trying to forget someone.

Which is, in a few words – fucking hard.

Let’s recall back to early 2017 when, O-EM-GEE, I found the love of my life ya’ll!!!

… so I had thought.

February 2017 through to about October 2017 were probably one of the greatest months of my life and now, all I want at this moment is to forget every single moment of it. I don’t think I have wanted to forget someone so much in my entire life until now. I wish I had never met him, I wish I had never dated him, got close, opened up my life, my trust, my heart, my family — my everything. All to one person who took it for granted.

I think at the beginning of any type of relationship, we admire all of the good in people. We are reminded of how caring and kind a person can be and we are reminded of this so much so that we completely forget about how cruel a person can also be.

Paul was supposed to be different. He was supposed to be mature, caring and accountable. In the end he was none of the above. He fulfilled all of the needs I ever expressed and painted a picture of the future that was so clear & within grasp. Little did I know all of that would be washed away in the most cowardly fashion possible.

I understand mental health issues to its fullest extent having grown up with a younger sibling who battled severe depression since I can remember. I am well-versed in mental illness from my own experiences as well. Words are incapable of doing justice to the feelings you carry while dealing with mental health issues. However, that is no excuse to behave as if you are unaware on your actions affect others nor is it an excuse to forget to be accountable for your actions. Mental health issues are not to be your scapegoat for which you blame your choices on – they may be able to explain certain behavior or actions but they do not define the way you are accountable for the things that you do. Especially when it comes to concern the lives of others, children or family included.

So here I am, praying to God every day, wishing that I could drill out all of the past memories, the feelings I have in order to simply move on and forget. This relationship taught me nothing. There were no lessons to be learned and no takeaways for future reference. This just plain, hurts.

Paul got everything and left me with nothing.

He broke everything that I had worked so hard to build, within myself and the way I viewed romantic relationships. I’m not sure where to go from here. I mean, I know that when you’re at the bottom, the only way to go is up but I feel like I haven’t even started to transcend.

I am grieving. Grieving the loss of a man that never really existed. A man that was a figment of perhaps both of our imaginations. A man who wore the perfect mask and bore the perfect language.

I am exhausted. Exhausted from feeling this way, exhausted from feeling this pain and remembering and trying so hard to forget. I’m no longer angry, I just want to be free of this.

I will continue to write and post about my journey through this in hopes that I can inspire others to pull themselves up after they have fallen. I am trying to get there.

Until next time…

-Master and Commander, FjB

 

 

A Poem: The Water

Sometimes I stare at the water,
It seems so far away,
I think about the life I’m living, today,
What if I,
Could,
Jump aboard a boat, and believe that it would,
Take me to another place,
A place where my soul is not bothered by ghosts of months before,
And a heart that used to feel so much love, isn’t anymore so sore,
From the hurt of heartbreak and the fall of love,
The water seems so perfect,
Ripples do often fade,
But water is never still,
Summertime swimming knows me best,
For there were many times underwater I was,
And naked my eyes were,
Don’t open your eyes underwater without goggles!”
They would often tell me,
Over and over,
But yet, day by day, there I was,
Eyes naked underneath in the calm waters,
Only learning my lesson when I emerge and feel that warm sting overcome my eyes,
And the red veins appeared,
Little did I know this would be comparable to my life story,
Eyes wide open, without proper protection,
Loving endlessly and left with a warm bitter sting of disappointment.

~

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Until next time…

Master and Commander, Fjb

Poem: Unsaved

My eyes are wide open,
And the veil has been lifted,
And this wasn’t supposed to happen,
I’m suffering more than I seem,
I must admit it,
Stuck alone on this island,
Of misery and grief,
My SOS is unheard, no rescue or relief,
You said your signals were mixed,
You’re overwhelmed with guilt,
But when you shot out your flare,
And blew smoke out to the sky,
The message was crystal clear,
I guess I couldn’t see through your disguise,
Another defeat,
Another cry,
I can’t ever get this right,
And the same situations often repeat,
I hope you look back and see all that you took from me,
And prevent the destruction of another soul,
With your back and forth, and all of your maybe’s,
No amount of power can take this love away,
You’ll always remain within this deep scathing scar,
Never fully healed and always a bit open,
I have to look past you now,
Bitter and broken.
~~

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Master and Commander, FjB

Moving Forward.

Greetings readers,

Life has been moving along these days and passing by quite quickly as well. I haven’t been writing lately and not sure that has been helping my current state of mind. As usual, I wish I had all of the right answers and I wish I could change certain situations that are out of my control. The holidays are here and along with it all of my fears and uncertainties. I wrote this poem a few weeks ago that I’d like to share. Although my life was a little different then, I feel it still accurately represents what I am going through. Enjoy.

Here comes the fall,
I’m in it now,

And I’ve lost it all,
Still asking myself, how?
Here comes the truth,
I have to hear it now, 
I want to fight, but what’s the use?
I can hear the walls falling,
It’s much too loud,
You left me here, and continue to play with my heart,
Up and down, here, not there,
Where do I start?
You’ve broken my soul,
There’s nothing left,
Darkness has taken a hold,
Over everything I kept,
Clutching hard to the memories and what we used to have,
I wish you loved me more,
Than you do your demons,
For then we could survive,
Hand in hand, heart in heart,
I fear every time you come, you’ll leave again,
And here I’ll be,
Still broken, not mended. 

Until next time…

Master and Commander, FjB

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Zechariah.

Greetings readers,

Part of losing a relationship you once had doesn’t just include mourning the loss of just one person. When you’re with someone, their friends become your friends, or their family becomes your family. So when you grieve over a lover, you’re also bound to grieve the loss of those extended relationships as well.

What has been on my mind lately is one person. One pure young heart that I fell in love with. 10 years on this earth and already wise beyond his years…still a kid at heart of course, but wise nonetheless.

I can’t wrap my head around not being able to see him again, or make fun beach plans, or that I’ll never be able to take him to more concerts, or bring him around my family, my nieces and nephews. My parents, that would love and spoil the shit outta him… I’ve been avoiding these thoughts lately and they’ve finally caught up to me.

Sure, it was just a few months that I was really spending quality time with him but, that’s all that it took. I fell in love with him and from that moment on I wanted to give him everything. I can still hear him say that my Mac and cheese was the best he’d ever had! That’s a statement alright, and one that I’ll always remember. I also think about all of the wrestling, the tickle fights and most of all, the love we shared for ev-er-y-thing nerdly.

Most of all, I go back to the moments where he would embrace me with a tender long hug or when we were laying down watching a movie or show. Him next to me, asking me the most intriguing questions or simply just leaning on me. He has this way of bringing out a light in you, and it didn’t matter what shitty day or week you had because he just made it better.

And his laugh, oh my gosh, his laugh, could seriously bring anyone out of the darkest mood. I miss it. I miss him.

I know I have to deal with the fact that I’ll never have that back, and it truly rips my heart into pieces. I wish I could hug him again, see his smile, but I can’t. And I won’t. My days have been very dark lately because all of these realities are coming to a head and I don’t really know how to deal with it all. All I know is that a few months ago I was so incredibly fulfilled and right now, I feel like so much Love has been ripped out from my insides. I’m living in just a shell of a body, day in and day out. My soul is broken.

I apologize for all of my recent quite morose posts as of late. But as I have promised, I will always share my truth and this is real life. This is my life and there’s no choice of hiding behind empty words for me. This is pure honesty from my heart.

Until next time…

-Master and Commander, FjB

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