Falling Back.

Greetings readers,

Often when we are getting over someone, it almost feels like we are overcoming an addiction. It used to be that when you broke up with someone, or if someone broke up with you, you wouldn’t have to see or hear about them as much or if at all. This ultimately aided in healing process and allowed for you to completely move on from that relationship.

Unfortunately, in today’s age, there is a little thing called social media. And with it comes all of the wonderful yet not so wonderful memories of your past. It’s almost a bit embarrassing, to have to go through and remove all of the old pictures, posts and maybe even comments from when you were in a relationship that has since ended. It used to be maybe we had pictures to throw away…teddy bears or stuffed animals…letters… but times have changed. There are digital reminders just about everywhere making it almost impossible to properly grieve over a past relationship.

I myself am experiencing this to the fullest extent. I feel like a broken record, repeatedly writing about this break up but unfortunately, I have not been able to move on. I can’t remember the last time it took me this long to get over someone… I don’t know if I have ever experienced this.

I did something bad. I gave in. While looking through old pictures and social media posts (thanks Facebook), I texted him. After doing so well at trying to put him out of my thoughts, I cracked. I couldn’t help myself, I continued to have a conversation with him as if nothing had happened. Avoiding true feelings and issues, this is Paul’s specialty – so it was easy for him to engage in day-to-day conversation as if we had some type of friendship. I told him I loved and missed him, and he said the same. I felt high. I felt that surge of euphoria come over me the entire conversation. As soon as it was over, I wanted more. This continued on for a few days, until I received my karma… my reminder as to why I am in the position that I am in.

We’re having a conversation about a past fun memory and while explaining to him how I felt, I got what I deserved, A Reminder. We were talking about a 10K event that we ran together for the city’s Strawberry festival. To make it especially fun, we dressed up as Strawberry’s – the whole rounded costume and everything, matching. During our conversation, I mentioned that I had signed up for this same running event and he assumed I would be dressing up in the same getup. When I responded no, he asked why and I explained that it was because it was something that he and I did together, that I couldn’t because of that. Then he called that reason, my reason “Silly”.

I’m not sure what the thought process is when a person tells someone expressing their feelings and using the word “Silly”. At that moment, I got my karma and had this moment asking myself, what the fuck am I doing. And I don’t really know. I don’t think that anyone has ever really told this man how much of an asshole he really is. For someone who claims mental and emotional instability, it’s incredible how much he can inflict the same onto others. Especially me, the one who he royally screwed over. Anyway, that is all beside the point.

The point is, when we’re faced with this temptation, with that urge or need to reach out to someone we have ended a relationship with – have strength and think twice. If someone truly loves you, they’ll fight through any hardship, any storm to be with you. Whether those hardships are internal battles seeming impossible to overcome. Which means that if a relationship did not work out because the other did not fight to be with you, there’s a reason they are no longer in your life now. And it should stay that way.

Until next time…

-Master and Commander, FjB

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Welcoming Spring.

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Portland, OR

Greetings readers,

I have decided to come out of hibernation at the start of the new Spring season and reflect on the past few months. I must admit, I have sunken into the depths of dealing with concealed depression.

I am walking in uncharted waters at the moment and sort of fumbling my way through. I don’t mean to speak so metaphorically but I truly don’t know how else to describe what it is I am going through. I know in my mind I need to come out of the burrow I have made for myself and get back into my groove but I haven’t yet found the energy.

On the surface and around others, I am as cool as they come. As soon as the noise fades and I am alone with my thoughts is when all breaks away. I find myself feeling out of my own body and unable to control my mind. I know I should go to therapy, but I don’t. I am almost aware of how stuck I am in this nasty swamp of sadness that it’s almost at the same time comforting. Does that make sense? Like I cling to this sadness because I know that although I may not be able to control it, I understand it. Where I know in therapy I will have confront other issues that I don’t understand — and to be honest that scares the shit out of me.

I am trying to find light in all of the good in my life and all that I should be thankful that I have but lately that has been hard. I am trying to focus on moving forward instead of looking behind, but that has been hard. I conceal my real feelings and suppress any type of expression as well because it’s just…easier that way.

I recently took a week’s long vacation (yes, 5 consecutive days away from work), which I have not done in years. I was hoping this would be a chance at a full reset…a refresh to really begin my journey in starting over. While my vacation was incredibly fun and relaxing, I came home still with a lot of the same baggage that I had when my vacation began.

On my first night in New York, while in a cab passing through Queens from JFK to mid-town… I received a text from Paul. The timing of his text is nothing short of the cruelest. Perhaps he texted me while I was on the plane and I had just received it to my phone after turning it back on after the flight – that is possible, however, to be passing by the city I know he’s from and see his text simply sucked. It wasn’t an angry text, he was wishing me well along with drudging up a memory of a 10K we ran together last year.

I cried the entire cab ride to my hotel.

I’m not sure what would prompt someone to send that type of text to someone they completely fucked over. I mean let’s be real here, he was basically saying, “Hey remember that one time we were together and everything was great & I used to tell you I would spend my life with you cause you’re my best friend?? Yeah me too. Hope you’re doing great now that you know that was all a sham. Bye!”

It’s a complete wrench in the gut. I decided not to respond for fear of the same situation to repeat. The situation where conversation strikes up, we end up getting together, he ends up in my bed and a few days later proclaiming his fear of moving forward. You know, the same situation he put me through about 4 times.

In that moment, I decided that I am worth more than that. I am worth more than the type of text that is clearly an ignorant ‘hope you’re well!” wish. I really am. And knowing what I know now I refuse to be treated like a doormat and I refuse to continue to put myself in a situation where I give everything but am left with nothing. I guess you could call this progress.

As usual, I am telling myself to commit more to writing, both with my blogs and poems. Today is the start and I intend to keep my promise to myself. Ultimately, I am hoping it will bring about overall mental and emotional health wellness.

Until next time…

-Master and Commander, FjB

 

Living in Your Truth.

Greetings readers,

I decided that my blog needed a bit of a face lift so here is the new and improved layout. What do you think?! I fancy it, hopefully you will too.

I feel like my life is evolving these days and I’ve got to share in all the ways just how and what impact it is having on my life.

I have begun this journey to live in my truth. What does this mean? Well, this can mean many things to different people depending on how you live your life. One example – I have found myself in certain situations where I would normally hold back my true thoughts for fear of confrontation, I am now exerting my true and honest opinion(s) respectfully. Whether or not my desires were met, it felt good to be up front and at least get my true words out. Continue reading

Heartbreak.

Greetings readers,

I have never really understood when people would explain how heartbreak can physically affect you. I have read tons of articles and have spoken with people who have described this feeling – however it is extremely hard to relate unless you have felt it. I was the outsider looking in on this concept, until now.

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Feelings of Inadequacy

Greetings readers,

As this year continues to fly by faster than I could ever imagine… the lessons to be learned are nothing short of present. I’d like to reflect more on what I wrote on in my previous blog. As I have been spending some time reflecting and mediating within myself solutions to my recurring issues. I feel that it really all boils down to the following:

Feelings of inadequacy. 

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Anxiety.

Greetings readers,

I guess you could say I tend to write when I start to go through the motions of not feeling particularly centered.

It’s extremely discomforting to have days like today when I just feel like I can’t control my negative emotions despite having so much to be grateful for. I had such a great birthday weekend and everything that I experienced was beyond what I could ever have hoped for, yet for some reason today rolled around and I suddenly was overcome with feelings of anxiety.

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