I have decided to come out of hibernation at the start of the new Spring season and reflect on the past few months. I must admit, I have sunken into the depths of dealing with concealed depression.
I am walking in uncharted waters at the moment and sort of fumbling my way through. I don’t mean to speak so metaphorically but I truly don’t know how else to describe what it is I am going through. I know in my mind I need to come out of the burrow I have made for myself and get back into my groove but I haven’t yet found the energy.
On the surface and around others, I am as cool as they come. As soon as the noise fades and I am alone with my thoughts is when all breaks away. I find myself feeling out of my own body and unable to control my mind. I know I should go to therapy, but I don’t. I am almost aware of how stuck I am in this nasty swamp of sadness that it’s almost at the same time comforting. Does that make sense? Like I cling to this sadness because I know that although I may not be able to control it, I understand it. Where I know in therapy I will have confront other issues that I don’t understand — and to be honest that scares the shit out of me.
I am trying to find light in all of the good in my life and all that I should be thankful that I have but lately that has been hard. I am trying to focus on moving forward instead of looking behind, but that has been hard. I conceal my real feelings and suppress any type of expression as well because it’s just…easier that way.
I recently took a week’s long vacation (yes, 5 consecutive days away from work), which I have not done in years. I was hoping this would be a chance at a full reset…a refresh to really begin my journey in starting over. While my vacation was incredibly fun and relaxing, I came home still with a lot of the same baggage that I had when my vacation began.
On my first night in New York, while in a cab passing through Queens from JFK to mid-town… I received a text from Paul. The timing of his text is nothing short of the cruelest. Perhaps he texted me while I was on the plane and I had just received it to my phone after turning it back on after the flight – that is possible, however, to be passing by the city I know he’s from and see his text simply sucked. It wasn’t an angry text, he was wishing me well along with drudging up a memory of a 10K we ran together last year.
I cried the entire cab ride to my hotel.
I’m not sure what would prompt someone to send that type of text to someone they completely fucked over. I mean let’s be real here, he was basically saying, “Hey remember that one time we were together and everything was great & I used to tell you I would spend my life with you cause you’re my best friend?? Yeah me too. Hope you’re doing great now that you know that was all a sham. Bye!”
It’s a complete wrench in the gut. I decided not to respond for fear of the same situation to repeat. The situation where conversation strikes up, we end up getting together, he ends up in my bed and a few days later proclaiming his fear of moving forward. You know, the same situation he put me through about 4 times.
In that moment, I decided that I am worth more than that. I am worth more than the type of text that is clearly an ignorant ‘hope you’re well!” wish. I really am. And knowing what I know now I refuse to be treated like a doormat and I refuse to continue to put myself in a situation where I give everything but am left with nothing. I guess you could call this progress.
As usual, I am telling myself to commit more to writing, both with my blogs and poems. Today is the start and I intend to keep my promise to myself. Ultimately, I am hoping it will bring about overall mental and emotional health wellness.
Until next time…
-Master and Commander, FjB