Welcoming Spring.

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Portland, OR

Greetings readers,

I have decided to come out of hibernation at the start of the new Spring season and reflect on the past few months. I must admit, I have sunken into the depths of dealing with concealed depression.

I am walking in uncharted waters at the moment and sort of fumbling my way through. I don’t mean to speak so metaphorically but I truly don’t know how else to describe what it is I am going through. I know in my mind I need to come out of the burrow I have made for myself and get back into my groove but I haven’t yet found the energy.

On the surface and around others, I am as cool as they come. As soon as the noise fades and I am alone with my thoughts is when all breaks away. I find myself feeling out of my own body and unable to control my mind. I know I should go to therapy, but I don’t. I am almost aware of how stuck I am in this nasty swamp of sadness that it’s almost at the same time comforting. Does that make sense? Like I cling to this sadness because I know that although I may not be able to control it, I understand it. Where I know in therapy I will have confront other issues that I don’t understand — and to be honest that scares the shit out of me.

I am trying to find light in all of the good in my life and all that I should be thankful that I have but lately that has been hard. I am trying to focus on moving forward instead of looking behind, but that has been hard. I conceal my real feelings and suppress any type of expression as well because it’s just…easier that way.

I recently took a week’s long vacation (yes, 5 consecutive days away from work), which I have not done in years. I was hoping this would be a chance at a full reset…a refresh to really begin my journey in starting over. While my vacation was incredibly fun and relaxing, I came home still with a lot of the same baggage that I had when my vacation began.

On my first night in New York, while in a cab passing through Queens from JFK to mid-town… I received a text from Paul. The timing of his text is nothing short of the cruelest. Perhaps he texted me while I was on the plane and I had just received it to my phone after turning it back on after the flight – that is possible, however, to be passing by the city I know he’s from and see his text simply sucked. It wasn’t an angry text, he was wishing me well along with drudging up a memory of a 10K we ran together last year.

I cried the entire cab ride to my hotel.

I’m not sure what would prompt someone to send that type of text to someone they completely fucked over. I mean let’s be real here, he was basically saying, “Hey remember that one time we were together and everything was great & I used to tell you I would spend my life with you cause you’re my best friend?? Yeah me too. Hope you’re doing great now that you know that was all a sham. Bye!”

It’s a complete wrench in the gut. I decided not to respond for fear of the same situation to repeat. The situation where conversation strikes up, we end up getting together, he ends up in my bed and a few days later proclaiming his fear of moving forward. You know, the same situation he put me through about 4 times.

In that moment, I decided that I am worth more than that. I am worth more than the type of text that is clearly an ignorant ‘hope you’re well!” wish. I really am. And knowing what I know now I refuse to be treated like a doormat and I refuse to continue to put myself in a situation where I give everything but am left with nothing. I guess you could call this progress.

As usual, I am telling myself to commit more to writing, both with my blogs and poems. Today is the start and I intend to keep my promise to myself. Ultimately, I am hoping it will bring about overall mental and emotional health wellness.

Until next time…

-Master and Commander, FjB

 

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New Years

Greeting readers,

Happy New Year! I have been on a bit of a writing hiatus and have decided to come back in full force. I celebrated the new year with some very good family and friends but yet of course there was a piece missing.

I have been avoiding truly feeling the complete loss of Z. It’s easy for people to simply say, “You need to just move on. You’re better off.” Etc. Etc.

But, I don’t want to. I know what I am about to say sounds crazy but if in order to stay connected to him even in the least bit – if that means I still clutch to this part, this memory… then that is what I want. Regardless of how much it will hurt, regardless of how much I will feel hopeless, regardless of how much it will make me sick, I want it. I don’t know what the future holds for me but all I can and want to worry about, is now.

I know this all sounds incredibly unhealthy and perhaps a little insane, far from all rationale, but it’s what I am feeling in the now.

This recurring question or theme of question has been coming up quite frequently lately. People are curious to know, As a result of your breakup – what have you learned? What can you take away from this relationship?

When I have been getting this question, my response is a shrug of my shoulders and a look away. Hiding my face of distress.

Do you want to know my honest answer?

Nothing. 

I fell in love, followed my heart and seemingly found my forever mate only to be lied to & disappointed. What is there to learn from that?

I was my most mature self and thought I had finally found my counterpart in life. Someone with maturity and the ambition to match… There were no real issues within our relationship, only the demons that haunted him from the past.

One of my closest siblings suffers from extreme depression so becoming romantically involved with someone who suffers from seasonal depression and daily anxiety was not something that would easily scare me away. I myself have suffered from depression and deal with my own anxiety demons as well. Not very many are aware of the part of my mind that constantly derails and sucks me down into the deepest darkest spots, but it’s there – alive and well.

So what’s done is done. There is no going back and I only must move forward. Recalling back to one of my earlier blogs where I quoted my ex-husband ranting about how I was impossible to love and that no being would want to marry me. I can’t help but think he’s right. I know that I am not impossible to love, I have close friends and family that truly love me, yes. I have that. But to love someone you want to marry, romantically spend your life with, have a partner for life – perhaps he was right. With Z, I came close. If he had asked me to marry him, I would have said yes without hesitation and married him the next day. I thought the feeling was mutual – but I was wrong.

Here’s to the new year, although I am starting it off holding on to my shit from the past – I am still moving forward and I refuse to wither away. This quite conflicting attitude of mine I can only hope becomes clearer as the days move forward.

I wish you all a great start to the new year, happiness and health.

Until next time…

Master and Commander, FjB

No Other Choice.

Greetings readers,

I’d like to forewarn that this post is probably going to be one of my most morbid posts. I’m sitting here on empty words and promises…still. It’s hard to hold onto hope when it feels like all forces in the world are against you, including the person who you are holding hope for. What am I to do? It’s not right for someone to push you out, say one thing and do another. Actions speak louder than words and to say something but engage in the opposite is not going to help anyone, especially your own self.

Am I angry? Yes. And I believe I have a right to be considering these circumstances that I have been left in. So here I am, heart in pieces yet again – and I am only left with one choice.

Give him what he wants. 

They say one of the hardest things in life is letting go but I disagree. I think it is everything that comes after letting go that is the hardest part. Readjusting life and trying to find a way to live forward instead of constantly looking back.

I feel like I have nothing left. Empty. I’m drained and exhausted from feeling drained and exhausted. It’s extremely hard to be the only one to hold onto hope, trying to stay positive and the one person you want to grasp on even a bit of hope just does not want to hear it.

I’m praying for strength for my days moving forward. I feel very weak and I could use any bit of strength I have left in me.

Until next time…

-Master and Commander, FjB

Living in Your Truth.

Greetings readers,

I decided that my blog needed a bit of a face lift so here is the new and improved layout. What do you think?! I fancy it, hopefully you will too.

I feel like my life is evolving these days and I’ve got to share in all the ways just how and what impact it is having on my life.

I have begun this journey to live in my truth. What does this mean? Well, this can mean many things to different people depending on how you live your life. One example – I have found myself in certain situations where I would normally hold back my true thoughts for fear of confrontation, I am now exerting my true and honest opinion(s) respectfully. Whether or not my desires were met, it felt good to be up front and at least get my true words out. Continue reading

‘Untitled’

Greetings readers,

I really don’t have much to say today, but I know that I need to write something. Anything.

I wish things were different.

I feel like I’ve been able to be stay strong lately but today, not so much.
I feel like I’ve been able to keep my mind right lately but today, not so much.
I’m looking forward to attending Open Mic tonight, with the hopes of being able to get out of my own mind for a few hours.

We’ll see.

Until next time…

-Master and Commander, FjB