Forgetting Someone.


Greetings readers,

Welcome to the new year. As we near the end of January, I am reflecting on what has been a pretty crazy few weeks of 2018 so far. I feel as though on the surface I have been able to keep busy and keep my mind occupied however, the feelings & thoughts that I have been so successful at suffocating are beginning to inflate.

Today I will be talking about my battle in trying to forget someone.

Which is, in a few words – fucking hard.

Let’s recall back to early 2017 when, O-EM-GEE, I found the love of my life ya’ll!!!

… so I had thought.

February 2017 through to about October 2017 were probably one of the greatest months of my life and now, all I want at this moment is to forget every single moment of it. I don’t think I have wanted to forget someone so much in my entire life until now. I wish I had never met him, I wish I had never dated him, got close, opened up my life, my trust, my heart, my family — my everything. All to one person who took it for granted.

I think at the beginning of any type of relationship, we admire all of the good in people. We are reminded of how caring and kind a person can be and we are reminded of this so much so that we completely forget about how cruel a person can also be.

Paul was supposed to be different. He was supposed to be mature, caring and accountable. In the end he was none of the above. He fulfilled all of the needs I ever expressed and painted a picture of the future that was so clear & within grasp. Little did I know all of that would be washed away in the most cowardly fashion possible.

I understand mental health issues to its fullest extent having grown up with a younger sibling who battled severe depression since I can remember. I am well-versed in mental illness from my own experiences as well. Words are incapable of doing justice to the feelings you carry while dealing with mental health issues. However, that is no excuse to behave as if you are unaware on your actions affect others nor is it an excuse to forget to be accountable for your actions. Mental health issues are not to be your scapegoat for which you blame your choices on – they may be able to explain certain behavior or actions but they do not define the way you are accountable for the things that you do. Especially when it comes to concern the lives of others, children or family included.

So here I am, praying to God every day, wishing that I could drill out all of the past memories, the feelings I have in order to simply move on and forget. This relationship taught me nothing. There were no lessons to be learned and no takeaways for future reference. This just plain, hurts.

Paul got everything and left me with nothing.

He broke everything that I had worked so hard to build, within myself and the way I viewed romantic relationships. I’m not sure where to go from here. I mean, I know that when you’re at the bottom, the only way to go is up but I feel like I haven’t even started to transcend.

I am grieving. Grieving the loss of a man that never really existed. A man that was a figment of perhaps both of our imaginations. A man who wore the perfect mask and bore the perfect language.

I am exhausted. Exhausted from feeling this way, exhausted from feeling this pain and remembering and trying so hard to forget. I’m no longer angry, I just want to be free of this.

I will continue to write and post about my journey through this in hopes that I can inspire others to pull themselves up after they have fallen. I am trying to get there.

Until next time…

-Master and Commander, FjB




New Years

Greeting readers,

Happy New Year! I have been on a bit of a writing hiatus and have decided to come back in full force. I celebrated the new year with some very good family and friends but yet of course there was a piece missing.

I have been avoiding truly feeling the complete loss of Z. It’s easy for people to simply say, “You need to just move on. You’re better off.” Etc. Etc.

But, I don’t want to. I know what I am about to say sounds crazy but if in order to stay connected to him even in the least bit – if that means I still clutch to this part, this memory… then that is what I want. Regardless of how much it will hurt, regardless of how much I will feel hopeless, regardless of how much it will make me sick, I want it. I don’t know what the future holds for me but all I can and want to worry about, is now.

I know this all sounds incredibly unhealthy and perhaps a little insane, far from all rationale, but it’s what I am feeling in the now.

This recurring question or theme of question has been coming up quite frequently lately. People are curious to know, As a result of your breakup – what have you learned? What can you take away from this relationship?

When I have been getting this question, my response is a shrug of my shoulders and a look away. Hiding my face of distress.

Do you want to know my honest answer?


I fell in love, followed my heart and seemingly found my forever mate only to be lied to & disappointed. What is there to learn from that?

I was my most mature self and thought I had finally found my counterpart in life. Someone with maturity and the ambition to match… There were no real issues within our relationship, only the demons that haunted him from the past.

One of my closest siblings suffers from extreme depression so becoming romantically involved with someone who suffers from seasonal depression and daily anxiety was not something that would easily scare me away. I myself have suffered from depression and deal with my own anxiety demons as well. Not very many are aware of the part of my mind that constantly derails and sucks me down into the deepest darkest spots, but it’s there – alive and well.

So what’s done is done. There is no going back and I only must move forward. Recalling back to one of my earlier blogs where I quoted my ex-husband ranting about how I was impossible to love and that no being would want to marry me. I can’t help but think he’s right. I know that I am not impossible to love, I have close friends and family that truly love me, yes. I have that. But to love someone you want to marry, romantically spend your life with, have a partner for life – perhaps he was right. With Z, I came close. If he had asked me to marry him, I would have said yes without hesitation and married him the next day. I thought the feeling was mutual – but I was wrong.

Here’s to the new year, although I am starting it off holding on to my shit from the past – I am still moving forward and I refuse to wither away. This quite conflicting attitude of mine I can only hope becomes clearer as the days move forward.

I wish you all a great start to the new year, happiness and health.

Until next time…

Master and Commander, FjB

Poem: Unsaved

My eyes are wide open,
And the veil has been lifted,
And this wasn’t supposed to happen,
I’m suffering more than I seem,
I must admit it,
Stuck alone on this island,
Of misery and grief,
My SOS is unheard, no rescue or relief,
You said your signals were mixed,
You’re overwhelmed with guilt,
But when you shot out your flare,
And blew smoke out to the sky,
The message was crystal clear,
I guess I couldn’t see through your disguise,
Another defeat,
Another cry,
I can’t ever get this right,
And the same situations often repeat,
I hope you look back and see all that you took from me,
And prevent the destruction of another soul,
With your back and forth, and all of your maybe’s,
No amount of power can take this love away,
You’ll always remain within this deep scathing scar,
Never fully healed and always a bit open,
I have to look past you now,
Bitter and broken.


Master and Commander, FjB

No Other Choice.

Greetings readers,

I’d like to forewarn that this post is probably going to be one of my most morbid posts. I’m sitting here on empty words and promises…still. It’s hard to hold onto hope when it feels like all forces in the world are against you, including the person who you are holding hope for. What am I to do? It’s not right for someone to push you out, say one thing and do another. Actions speak louder than words and to say something but engage in the opposite is not going to help anyone, especially your own self.

Am I angry? Yes. And I believe I have a right to be considering these circumstances that I have been left in. So here I am, heart in pieces yet again – and I am only left with one choice.

Give him what he wants. 

They say one of the hardest things in life is letting go but I disagree. I think it is everything that comes after letting go that is the hardest part. Readjusting life and trying to find a way to live forward instead of constantly looking back.

I feel like I have nothing left. Empty. I’m drained and exhausted from feeling drained and exhausted. It’s extremely hard to be the only one to hold onto hope, trying to stay positive and the one person you want to grasp on even a bit of hope just does not want to hear it.

I’m praying for strength for my days moving forward. I feel very weak and I could use any bit of strength I have left in me.

Until next time…

-Master and Commander, FjB



I’m looking around at all of this blank space,
I close my eyes,
Feeling this emptiness that is slowly invading my soul,
And pulling my life from me,
As I watch from the sidelines,
I open my eyes and to no surprise,
Still –
Not –
Gasping for air and only inhaling water,
I’m turning the pages of this wordless book,
Page after page,
Blank space after blank space,
Trying to find the end, but what, end?
What will be the end to this strung out story?
My love is my disease and this disease is spreading,
Taking control of my bloodstream, shriveling my cells,
The only cure I know,
…Is you,
But you’re too far away,
Like an astronomer, wishing that they could travel above and join the stars & the moon,
But there’s no travel out there for me,
No train I can catch nor a plane I can fly on,
I’m left sitting here, in the vast darkness that is my heart.


Greetings readers,

I have never really understood when people would explain how heartbreak can physically affect you. I have read tons of articles and have spoken with people who have described this feeling – however it is extremely hard to relate unless you have felt it. I was the outsider looking in on this concept, until now.

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