Forgetting Someone.

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Greetings readers,

Welcome to the new year. As we near the end of January, I am reflecting on what has been a pretty crazy few weeks of 2018 so far. I feel as though on the surface I have been able to keep busy and keep my mind occupied however, the feelings & thoughts that I have been so successful at suffocating are beginning to inflate.

Today I will be talking about my battle in trying to forget someone.

Which is, in a few words – fucking hard.

Let’s recall back to early 2017 when, O-EM-GEE, I found the love of my life ya’ll!!!

… so I had thought.

February 2017 through to about October 2017 were probably one of the greatest months of my life and now, all I want at this moment is to forget every single moment of it. I don’t think I have wanted to forget someone so much in my entire life until now. I wish I had never met him, I wish I had never dated him, got close, opened up my life, my trust, my heart, my family — my everything. All to one person who took it for granted.

I think at the beginning of any type of relationship, we admire all of the good in people. We are reminded of how caring and kind a person can be and we are reminded of this so much so that we completely forget about how cruel a person can also be.

Paul was supposed to be different. He was supposed to be mature, caring and accountable. In the end he was none of the above. He fulfilled all of the needs I ever expressed and painted a picture of the future that was so clear & within grasp. Little did I know all of that would be washed away in the most cowardly fashion possible.

I understand mental health issues to its fullest extent having grown up with a younger sibling who battled severe depression since I can remember. I am well-versed in mental illness from my own experiences as well. Words are incapable of doing justice to the feelings you carry while dealing with mental health issues. However, that is no excuse to behave as if you are unaware on your actions affect others nor is it an excuse to forget to be accountable for your actions. Mental health issues are not to be your scapegoat for which you blame your choices on – they may be able to explain certain behavior or actions but they do not define the way you are accountable for the things that you do. Especially when it comes to concern the lives of others, children or family included.

So here I am, praying to God every day, wishing that I could drill out all of the past memories, the feelings I have in order to simply move on and forget. This relationship taught me nothing. There were no lessons to be learned and no takeaways for future reference. This just plain, hurts.

Paul got everything and left me with nothing.

He broke everything that I had worked so hard to build, within myself and the way I viewed romantic relationships. I’m not sure where to go from here. I mean, I know that when you’re at the bottom, the only way to go is up but I feel like I haven’t even started to transcend.

I am grieving. Grieving the loss of a man that never really existed. A man that was a figment of perhaps both of our imaginations. A man who wore the perfect mask and bore the perfect language.

I am exhausted. Exhausted from feeling this way, exhausted from feeling this pain and remembering and trying so hard to forget. I’m no longer angry, I just want to be free of this.

I will continue to write and post about my journey through this in hopes that I can inspire others to pull themselves up after they have fallen. I am trying to get there.

Until next time…

-Master and Commander, FjB

 

 

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A Poem: The Water

Sometimes I stare at the water,
It seems so far away,
I think about the life I’m living, today,
What if I,
Could,
Jump aboard a boat, and believe that it would,
Take me to another place,
A place where my soul is not bothered by ghosts of months before,
And a heart that used to feel so much love, isn’t anymore so sore,
From the hurt of heartbreak and the fall of love,
The water seems so perfect,
Ripples do often fade,
But water is never still,
Summertime swimming knows me best,
For there were many times underwater I was,
And naked my eyes were,
Don’t open your eyes underwater without goggles!”
They would often tell me,
Over and over,
But yet, day by day, there I was,
Eyes naked underneath in the calm waters,
Only learning my lesson when I emerge and feel that warm sting overcome my eyes,
And the red veins appeared,
Little did I know this would be comparable to my life story,
Eyes wide open, without proper protection,
Loving endlessly and left with a warm bitter sting of disappointment.

~

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Until next time…

Master and Commander, Fjb

New Years

Greeting readers,

Happy New Year! I have been on a bit of a writing hiatus and have decided to come back in full force. I celebrated the new year with some very good family and friends but yet of course there was a piece missing.

I have been avoiding truly feeling the complete loss of Z. It’s easy for people to simply say, “You need to just move on. You’re better off.” Etc. Etc.

But, I don’t want to. I know what I am about to say sounds crazy but if in order to stay connected to him even in the least bit – if that means I still clutch to this part, this memory… then that is what I want. Regardless of how much it will hurt, regardless of how much I will feel hopeless, regardless of how much it will make me sick, I want it. I don’t know what the future holds for me but all I can and want to worry about, is now.

I know this all sounds incredibly unhealthy and perhaps a little insane, far from all rationale, but it’s what I am feeling in the now.

This recurring question or theme of question has been coming up quite frequently lately. People are curious to know, As a result of your breakup – what have you learned? What can you take away from this relationship?

When I have been getting this question, my response is a shrug of my shoulders and a look away. Hiding my face of distress.

Do you want to know my honest answer?

Nothing. 

I fell in love, followed my heart and seemingly found my forever mate only to be lied to & disappointed. What is there to learn from that?

I was my most mature self and thought I had finally found my counterpart in life. Someone with maturity and the ambition to match… There were no real issues within our relationship, only the demons that haunted him from the past.

One of my closest siblings suffers from extreme depression so becoming romantically involved with someone who suffers from seasonal depression and daily anxiety was not something that would easily scare me away. I myself have suffered from depression and deal with my own anxiety demons as well. Not very many are aware of the part of my mind that constantly derails and sucks me down into the deepest darkest spots, but it’s there – alive and well.

So what’s done is done. There is no going back and I only must move forward. Recalling back to one of my earlier blogs where I quoted my ex-husband ranting about how I was impossible to love and that no being would want to marry me. I can’t help but think he’s right. I know that I am not impossible to love, I have close friends and family that truly love me, yes. I have that. But to love someone you want to marry, romantically spend your life with, have a partner for life – perhaps he was right. With Z, I came close. If he had asked me to marry him, I would have said yes without hesitation and married him the next day. I thought the feeling was mutual – but I was wrong.

Here’s to the new year, although I am starting it off holding on to my shit from the past – I am still moving forward and I refuse to wither away. This quite conflicting attitude of mine I can only hope becomes clearer as the days move forward.

I wish you all a great start to the new year, happiness and health.

Until next time…

Master and Commander, FjB