Poem: Unsaved

My eyes are wide open,
And the veil has been lifted,
And this wasn’t supposed to happen,
I’m suffering more than I seem,
I must admit it,
Stuck alone on this island,
Of misery and grief,
My SOS is unheard, no rescue or relief,
You said your signals were mixed,
You’re overwhelmed with guilt,
But when you shot out your flare,
And blew smoke out to the sky,
The message was crystal clear,
I guess I couldn’t see through your disguise,
Another defeat,
Another cry,
I can’t ever get this right,
And the same situations often repeat,
I hope you look back and see all that you took from me,
And prevent the destruction of another soul,
With your back and forth, and all of your maybe’s,
No amount of power can take this love away,
You’ll always remain within this deep scathing scar,
Never fully healed and always a bit open,
I have to look past you now,
Bitter and broken.
~~

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Master and Commander, FjB

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A Story: One and Every Evening.

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It’s the evening time and she walks through the magnetic mesh and through the patio door. It’s cold on this night and the brisk air feels as if it is attempting to enter her skin. She sits down and stares down at her pack of cigarettes, proceeds to pull one out and light it up. The first inhale providing a physical sensation of relief… this she knows is feeding her unhealthy addiction. With every inhale and exhale, the thoughts begin to roll in. As she attempts to evade these thoughts she soon realizes her efforts are useless. For her mind is going to continue to wander into the darkness that is filled with much void. She finishes her cigarette, dissatisfied and gloomy.

She looks around at her empty house and contemplates the one thing which her mind relentlessly compels her to contemplate… the future. Now she is standing in her bathroom, looking in the mirror, silently asking herself the same questions over and over.

How did I end up here?
What did I do to deserve this?
Why can’t I just be happy?

These questions, she knows, are not ones that she can provide answers to. At times in this empty house, she moves forward about her day and recalls memories that appear almost as ghosts now. However these ghosts come to her in visions and she relives each and every one of them. This continues on, every single day. This is what is breaking her down and although behind a laugh or a smile, she knows that deep down inside the walls are foreclosing in on her. She is the ultimate liar. Mom and Dad see she’s happy, so that must be true. Sister and brother see she’s happy, so that must be true. Yes…this is what she wants. To be left alone in her own world of sorrow and grief. This is how she will continue her days and beyond. For unfortunately, there is not a cure for everyone. For unfortunately, there is no sunrise at the end of a dark night. For unfortunately, not everyone can survive the bitter and disparaging storm.

This, she knows. As much as at times she will try to save herself, she will continue to drown in the misery that has been so clearly laid out in front of her as her destiny.

All of this occurs, in one and every evening. She puts herself to bed, lays awake in a piercing silence only to wake the next morning and live this life all over again.

~

Master and Commander, FjB

Moving Forward.

Greetings readers,

Life has been moving along these days and passing by quite quickly as well. I haven’t been writing lately and not sure that has been helping my current state of mind. As usual, I wish I had all of the right answers and I wish I could change certain situations that are out of my control. The holidays are here and along with it all of my fears and uncertainties. I wrote this poem a few weeks ago that I’d like to share. Although my life was a little different then, I feel it still accurately represents what I am going through. Enjoy.

Here comes the fall,
I’m in it now,

And I’ve lost it all,
Still asking myself, how?
Here comes the truth,
I have to hear it now, 
I want to fight, but what’s the use?
I can hear the walls falling,
It’s much too loud,
You left me here, and continue to play with my heart,
Up and down, here, not there,
Where do I start?
You’ve broken my soul,
There’s nothing left,
Darkness has taken a hold,
Over everything I kept,
Clutching hard to the memories and what we used to have,
I wish you loved me more,
Than you do your demons,
For then we could survive,
Hand in hand, heart in heart,
I fear every time you come, you’ll leave again,
And here I’ll be,
Still broken, not mended. 

Until next time…

Master and Commander, FjB

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