I decided that my blog needed a bit of a face lift so here is the new and improved layout. What do you think?! I fancy it, hopefully you will too.
I feel like my life is evolving these days and I’ve got to share in all the ways just how and what impact it is having on my life.
I have begun this journey to live in my truth. What does this mean? Well, this can mean many things to different people depending on how you live your life. One example – I have found myself in certain situations where I would normally hold back my true thoughts for fear of confrontation, I am now exerting my true and honest opinion(s) respectfully. Whether or not my desires were met, it felt good to be up front and at least get my true words out.
This situation happens a lot in my work environment. When you run a business with family, it is quite easy to fall into a pattern of not expressing oneself for fear of causing issues within the family. I experience enough struggles just being a woman in an ownership position, but throw into the mix working with immediate family — it can be, for lack of better words, pretty rough. I’m not sure if it is courage that is pushing my truth out or if it is exhaustion. When I say exhaustion, I mean exhaustion from having to pick and choose what I do or say, having to water down my opinions, having to choose my battles for each situation… things like that. I am okay with either of those reasons as the catalyst for this evolution because it is contributing to becoming a better version of myself.
Aside from the effect these changes are having on my business life, my evolution is also reflected in my personal relationships. Keep in mind that I have always felt wise beyond my years and very much an old soul, but these days I feel quite above the nonsense that I used to engage in. Nonsense can mean a lot of things… but what I am referring to is engaging in worrying about the small things instead of living each moment as it comes. I’ve spent a lot of my life ‘sweating the small stuff’ as they say and I am guilty of not taking in the moments that truly matter.
I have been developing healthier habits both for my mental and physical health. For the last two months I have been rigorously going to the gym 4 times a week and in the last few weeks have been committing to a 7 mile hike once a week as well. I have realized that while I am gaining the results that I want physically, I still need to focus on the changes that I need to stay healthy mentally. I am committing to meditation, spending more time outside in nature, on these hikes, or at the beach. Simply enjoying what is free to us all and hoping that it brings me any type of inner peace.
I have had some rough days the past few weeks and this comes as a result of the status of my romantic relationship. There are so many things I wish I could say, so many things I wish I could do, but sometimes you just have to let go and let God. I know in my heart that this man is my soul mate (as I have said many times over and again), and until I feel that God is telling me I am mistaken — I will be here until the time is right. I’ve had dreams… visions of the future and believe me it was not all dark & gray. I feel that sometimes we go through tests, or trials which in the end will make us stronger beings able to take on the next set of future tests and trials. This cycle right now is what I believe to be a test. It’s hard to explain this concept to someone who feels lost and defeated by their own demons, but I know that it is not something that I can do for him. He must overcome and understand it for himself. He may not believe me when I say I’ll be here, he may scoff and believe that I am young & naïve to say what I say, and do what I do, but my actions will always speak to my truth. I want to tell him that it is okay to be afraid, because I am terrified. I may sound and act firm in my beliefs but the truth is, I am just as scared to be this vulnerable to one person. But the other side to my truth is also that, I would rather be scared shitless than to live my life wondering ‘what if’. I would rather love, and lose over and over again, than to allow fear to control how I live in my truth.
If you ask me the honest question of, “Are you happy?”
I would answer with, “Sometimes, but I am alive.”
We are humans. We are not made to always be happy. We are made to feel sadness, feel hurt, feel disappointed, confused, angry, scared, lost… this is how we know we are alive.
How would you answer if someone asked if you are happy?
Until next time…
-Master and Commander, FjB