Zechariah.

Greetings readers,

Part of losing a relationship you once had doesn’t just include mourning the loss of just one person. When you’re with someone, their friends become your friends, or their family becomes your family. So when you grieve over a lover, you’re also bound to grieve the loss of those extended relationships as well.

What has been on my mind lately is one person. One pure young heart that I fell in love with. 10 years on this earth and already wise beyond his years…still a kid at heart of course, but wise nonetheless.

I can’t wrap my head around not being able to see him again, or make fun beach plans, or that I’ll never be able to take him to more concerts, or bring him around my family, my nieces and nephews. My parents, that would love and spoil the shit outta him… I’ve been avoiding these thoughts lately and they’ve finally caught up to me.

Sure, it was just a few months that I was really spending quality time with him but, that’s all that it took. I fell in love with him and from that moment on I wanted to give him everything. I can still hear him say that my Mac and cheese was the best he’d ever had! That’s a statement alright, and one that I’ll always remember. I also think about all of the wrestling, the tickle fights and most of all, the love we shared for ev-er-y-thing nerdly.

Most of all, I go back to the moments where he would embrace me with a tender long hug or when we were laying down watching a movie or show. Him next to me, asking me the most intriguing questions or simply just leaning on me. He has this way of bringing out a light in you, and it didn’t matter what shitty day or week you had because he just made it better.

And his laugh, oh my gosh, his laugh, could seriously bring anyone out of the darkest mood. I miss it. I miss him.

I know I have to deal with the fact that I’ll never have that back, and it truly rips my heart into pieces. I wish I could hug him again, see his smile, but I can’t. And I won’t. My days have been very dark lately because all of these realities are coming to a head and I don’t really know how to deal with it all. All I know is that a few months ago I was so incredibly fulfilled and right now, I feel like so much Love has been ripped out from my insides. I’m living in just a shell of a body, day in and day out. My soul is broken.

I apologize for all of my recent quite morose posts as of late. But as I have promised, I will always share my truth and this is real life. This is my life and there’s no choice of hiding behind empty words for me. This is pure honesty from my heart.

Until next time…

-Master and Commander, FjB

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Poem of the Day

Greetings readers,

I am still on my journey to find peace and happiness. I don’t have much to say but I’d like to share one of my favorite poems from the book The Lord of The Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring, by J.R.R Tolkien that has always resonated with me but now more than ever. Enjoy.

“All that is Gold does not Glitter,
Not all those who Wander are Lost,
The old that is Strong does not Wither,
Deep roots are not reached by the frost,
From the ashes a Fire shall be Woken,
A Light from the shadow shall Spring,
Renewed shall be Blade that was Broken,
The Crownless again shall be King”

– J.R.R. Tolkien

Until next time…

-Master and Commander, FjB

No Other Choice.

Greetings readers,

I’d like to forewarn that this post is probably going to be one of my most morbid posts. I’m sitting here on empty words and promises…still. It’s hard to hold onto hope when it feels like all forces in the world are against you, including the person who you are holding hope for. What am I to do? It’s not right for someone to push you out, say one thing and do another. Actions speak louder than words and to say something but engage in the opposite is not going to help anyone, especially your own self.

Am I angry? Yes. And I believe I have a right to be considering these circumstances that I have been left in. So here I am, heart in pieces yet again – and I am only left with one choice.

Give him what he wants. 

They say one of the hardest things in life is letting go but I disagree. I think it is everything that comes after letting go that is the hardest part. Readjusting life and trying to find a way to live forward instead of constantly looking back.

I feel like I have nothing left. Empty. I’m drained and exhausted from feeling drained and exhausted. It’s extremely hard to be the only one to hold onto hope, trying to stay positive and the one person you want to grasp on even a bit of hope just does not want to hear it.

I’m praying for strength for my days moving forward. I feel very weak and I could use any bit of strength I have left in me.

Until next time…

-Master and Commander, FjB

Living in Your Truth.

Greetings readers,

I decided that my blog needed a bit of a face lift so here is the new and improved layout. What do you think?! I fancy it, hopefully you will too.

I feel like my life is evolving these days and I’ve got to share in all the ways just how and what impact it is having on my life.

I have begun this journey to live in my truth. What does this mean? Well, this can mean many things to different people depending on how you live your life. One example – I have found myself in certain situations where I would normally hold back my true thoughts for fear of confrontation, I am now exerting my true and honest opinion(s) respectfully. Whether or not my desires were met, it felt good to be up front and at least get my true words out. Continue reading