I have been shot with a burst of hope.
Surprised? Me too. I have been living my days with such sadness and as much as I had hope, I didn’t think that I would have the day that I have had.
Now it may seem like my life revolves around my relationship, since that is what I tend to write about and in reality all of my relationships are a huge part of my life – but not my entire life. I have been staying on top of my business, going to the gym, cooking, cleaning and all to ensure that I still take care of myself in the ways I know I can. I cannot heal my own broken heart, but I can make sure that other parts of my life do not fall out of balance.
Today however has given me hope, that I have not lost all that I have. If anyone knows me, they know I am the last person to hold onto positive thoughts because I have always been very logical. In this case, I believe that I have been holding onto this hope because I know that there is a way that things can still work out.
If it isn’t obvious enough, I saw the love of my life today. After a few text message conversations, exchanges of words, we decided to meet up. It was like nothing had ever changed. Yes, it’s only been about a week but compared to how often we were seeing each other, that is a very long time. With all that there is against us, all of the shit, all of the issues, all of the problems… I believe still that there isn’t anything that can keep us apart. This is what is worth fighting for in life. This type of love is not one you just let walk away. I know that despite my previous defeated words, my defeated attitude, there was still something inside of me that felt this was not the end.
The best kind of love is one that changes your entire life, changes your views and broadens your mind in areas that have been otherwise enclosed. This is the love that I have, that we have. I don’t know what the future will bring but I do believe that on this day, that I am where I am supposed to be. I hope that in say 20 years, we will look back on this time in our life together and feel thankful that we got through this rough time.
When I think about what makes us, us – I think about how much our souls have connected. I just attended and performed at a 50th anniversary for a couple close to my family this past Saturday. As much as I wanted to be the bitter woman in the corner, I couldn’t help but appreciate the love that these two people have. All of the stories they had to tell, all of the memories they have together and how they talked about the rough times they experienced as well. Their marriage of 50 years was not always easy but they always found a way to come back to one another. To fall in love with someone is something we are all capable of, but to actually fall in love with someone’s soul, someone’s inner being, is something completely different.
I love his soul. I love everything about him. I love the way he laughs and the way his face changes when he speaks passionately about a certain subject that he has educated himself on. I love everything about himself that he hates. The way he overthinks about life and certain situations. The way he feels that he doesn’t deserve certain things because of how he acted in the past. The way he assumes certain things and is as incredibly stubborn as the next. I love all of those things. I’m not sure he understands this fully or maybe he doesn’t want to – either way, this love I have is not going anywhere.
It is easy to walk away. It is easy to stop trying, to quit. The hard part is to stay and try. I’m not going anywhere and I know that he knows that now. I am willing to stay and try. Hey, I’m stubborn as shit too and when I feel something so deep in my soul, there are few things that will convince me to just walk away. I am going to keep trying until there are clear signs telling me that it’s time to walk away.
This is the meaning of hope. And readers, not all is lost. Day by day, I know that we will be able to get through this and come out stronger than ever.
Until next time…
-Master and Commander, FjB