I have never really understood when people would explain how heartbreak can physically affect you. I have read tons of articles and have spoken with people who have described this feeling – however it is extremely hard to relate unless you have felt it. I was the outsider looking in on this concept, until now.
I have experienced my fair share of heartbreak, with family, friends, lovers… but what I am feeling now far surpasses any feeling of heartbreak that I have ever felt. Due to circumstances beyond my control, I have lost the love of my life and my soulmate. It is most difficult to come to terms with a situation that you tried so hard to fight for and in the end are defeated.
The void in my heart that I am feeling right now is indescribable. This type of heartbreak makes you feel like you don’t have the strength to carry on and move forward. I know that I will be okay in the end, that I will be able to carry on with my life but something in me will never be the same.
When you’re in serious relationships, there are always those talks of the future, conversations of values and where you see yourself in the future – both together and individually. However, there comes a time when you meet someone you know deep down in your soul is meant for you. So when you have those conversations with this person, it isn’t just talk. You connect deeper on another level and it brings an entire new meaning to the word ‘future’. With as many people there are in the world, I still believe that there is one person meant for everyone. I believe I have found that person and to watch him walk away was one of the most difficult times in my life.
I feel as though I have been left with nothing. There are all of these questions rolling around in my head and it feels like I can just explode. I am truly not sure where I go from here. At this point, I am too defeated and too emotionally drained to even be angry.
Sure, all of the ups and downs in life are meant to teach you a lesson. I suppose this particular ‘down’ in my life is meant to teach me that the life of reciprocated love is not meant for me. If I continue to allow myself to be this hopeless romantic and believing that no matter who hurts me, there is still someone out there for me – then I will continue to experience this exact situation. On repeat.
I heard the apologies and heard when he said he just can’t do it… but what is that really saying?
Perhaps you are not worth fighting for.
As I sat there trying to hold in all of my tears (not succeeding quite well), all I could think in my mind was that this was not right. This is a mistake.
My head pounding from the migraine I’ve had all week, I tried to express my thoughts and solutions the best I could so he could understand, consider, and agree to wait on making such a rash decision.
Nothing I said made any difference, his mind was made up and nothing I was going to say or do would change that.
It’s scary that people are capable of making promises, such important promises and can be so quick to just simply walk away.
After he left, I found myself bawling on the floor of my kitchen. As my breath slowed and the tears subsided. I sat up.
I sat there for what felt like an hour before gaining the strength to get up and head over to my bedroom. I sat on my bed, trying to process what had just transpired.
I looked around my room and all I could see were the memories of us.
The laughs, the conversations, the love we made right where I was sitting… everything that made us, Us.
I got up and walked over into my living room. My next thoughts were about his son. I never got to say goodbye. Tell him that I loved him. Tell him that I think he is so smart, so talented and how many great things he’s going to do with his life. These thoughts suddenly became so overwhelming, I found myself dizzy and I leaned against the wall and entered into another ugly cry. This one lasting longer than the episode earlier in my kitchen.
It’s Saturday night now and here I am. Still trying to process and understand and process and understand. I know that I did all that I could but that doesn’t make me feel any better.
I was holding my niece earlier today, only 2 months old, standing on my porch looking out into the neighborhood. I held back tears to myself thinking that I know I would not have children.
It may seem extreme to say what I am about to say but after my last relationship ended, I told myself if I ended up here again – I would be done trying. I would just accept the fact that I should be alone and that would mean no marriage and no kids. I don’t have the energy or emotional strength to fathom entering a new relationship with someone, getting serious, putting forth my all and being left with nothing. At some point, you have to call it what it is and sometimes the scars you wear become all too much to attend to.
As much as I want to fight it, there is still that 1% inside of me that is hoping he thinks deeper into all this and comes back to tell me he made a mistake. That I am worth fighting for and we can grow together and make it through anything, together. I know that these are pretty naïve thoughts, but unfortunately I am incapable of shutting the thoughts out altogether. Until I can learn to combat these types of thoughts with pure pogic, I will have to allow them to come and go.
Until next time…
–Master and Commander, FjB