As this year continues to fly by faster than I could ever imagine… the lessons to be learned are nothing short of present. I’d like to reflect more on what I wrote on in my previous blog. As I have been spending some time reflecting and mediating within myself solutions to my recurring issues. I feel that it really all boils down to the following:
Feelings of inadequacy.
In my life, I feel that I developed these fears and anxieties of not being completely enough. I know that part of this feeling stems from my on-going battle with self-esteem but I am also beginning to realize that these feelings visit and revisit me because of my fear of disappointment. This is not just a fear of me disappointing others, but of also disappointing myself.
I hold myself to such a high standard and it makes mistakes a hard pill for me to swallow… and I know that may sound incredibly inane or self-centered but it’s the honest truth. These issues that I have also stem from my fear of being vulnerable, and opening up which ultimately is an opportunity to experience failure that is beyond my control.
I absolutely despise feeling helpless. It is one of the handful of feelings that keeps me awake at night, that gives me nausea, that makes me tremble, that makes my body grow cold. If I were a Superhero they would write in my comics that Helplessness is my weaknesses and the only way to defeat me in battle. Here is my thought process (however wrong or right): If I can’t contribute to certain issues or situations that I feel so passionately about, then what am I here for? This is the way that my mind translates helplessness. I experience this so deeply and especially, when people that I care about take the power for me to contribute away. It is truly challenging for me to deal with because I just have a fire to give so much to the people that I love.
And yet, after all of that self-realization, I fear there is not much that I can do about it…that’s the whole point. So, what, I am to avoid all or any situations that have a possibility to not go my way? I could not live like that even if I tried to. So, what do I do? Honestly, this is a question that I really don’t have a good answer for but as I was driving to home & work this morning, I thought that I may have a few solutions to suffice.
Recently, I have been trying to stay on top of doing breathing exercises which has helped tremendously. I think that it would help also to begin meditation… and that means committing to and carving out time from my day to meditate on anything – or maybe nothing! Typically, before I go to sleep, I say my prayers and I take at least 10 minutes (that is if I don’t fall asleep first), to try completely clear my head. Now, sometimes this does the complete opposite and my mind fills to the brim or overflows with thoughts, worries and I am lying in bed worse off than I was before. I need to get the hang of this process a bit more so that I can gain complete control of my mind and soul. I think that if I find times throughout my day, instead of just at night this would help to keep those negative thoughts away. I could feel what I’m feeling – and move on.
Writing certainly helps and is something that I can say contributes to clearing my mind and refreshing my thoughts. Sometimes we need to visually see or physically hear our thoughts in order to further our understanding and become more aware, ask for advice or to heal and move on.
All of these things I believe may effectively help me on a few different levels to cope with these anxieties that I have. I’m not entirely sure the reasoning but this is something that is quite difficult for me to open up about to people in my life. Although most of this they probably already know about me, by simply knowing my personality and my past – I don’t believe the people around me fully grasp the effect that it does have on me. I know that choosing not to share or speak on this matter is not part of this healthy process that I should incorporate into my lifestyle, but I believe that I do not have the skills to do so in a way that I feel would benefit me. To find a comfortable middle ground, here I am – writing.
Until next time…
-Master and Commander, FjB