I guess you could say I tend to write when I start to go through the motions of not feeling particularly centered.
It’s extremely discomforting to have days like today when I just feel like I can’t control my negative emotions despite having so much to be grateful for. I had such a great birthday weekend and everything that I experienced was beyond what I could ever have hoped for, yet for some reason today rolled around and I suddenly was overcome with feelings of anxiety.
I have the best family, friends and most of all love of my life, who is equal parts my soulmate and best friend…so why do I feel this way? I have so much stability around me and yet right now I feel like I’m not in control. I’m trying to grasp these feelings but the more I try, it seems the more I’m lost in them.
I know the best thing for me to do is to reflect..and continue to reflect until I can grasp what it is I’m feeling and where it’s all coming from but it is particularly difficult for me right now. You could call it mood swings, whatever but typically I can function while feeling this way however right now I just want to shut everyone out and just, hide.
I keep telling myself to go back to therapy but do I make an appointment? Do I reach out? Nope. These ridiculous internal battles are so exhausting to relive every so often and it’s just easier to shove them deep into the darknesses of my mind and let them stay there, even though I know that will only cause them to fester beyond my control.
I wouldn’t say I suffer from extreme anxiety because I feel that I am generally a happy person. I just have these moments, these days, where I just feel so out of place and not myself. My hearts racing and I don’t know why. My breath is short and I don’t know why. I desperately want to release what feels like this lump in my throat but I know that will only translate into an infant bawl and I don’t even want to give into that. Not knowing when this will pass is probably the worst of it all.
My career has always been a major stressor in my life and it definitely contributes to these “episodes” but how can I counteract that? I have years of work left in my career and so much more I want to work for and accomplish, how can I feel this way and it’s only the beginning?
People say if you don’t like what you do, change it. If you’re not happy with something in your life, change it. Perhaps it’s the fact when it comes to my work, I don’t have much power to change a lot. I’ve since changed my hours because I know it was unhealthy how much I was working and that has surely helped. So what’s missing?
Other than feelings of pressure and stress, I then am overwhelmed with feelings of inadequacy. My insecurities which have always had a hold on my start to surface as well. After all that I’ve been through, it has been a huge accomplishment to look in the mirror and say that I love myself. And I do, I know I do. But during these times I start doubting myself.
Will I continue to be enough? For myself and others?
Will I continue to be successful and achieve the things I want in life?
Will I regress and fuck it all up?
I have always made it a point to have my lessons learned and hold those close, how can I doubt myself? And then it’s the fact that I’m even doubting myself that causes me to feel worse. It’s evolves into this viscous cycle of back and forth, this and that.
At the end of it all, one question remains unanswered,
Until next time…
-Master and Commander, FjB