The Unknown

Someone once said, “Tomorrow’s never promised today”… And it’s probably the realest quote anyone could ever hear. But do we really process the meaning? Sometimes we get so caught up in worrying about the little things, that we forget how much we should be thankful for. And how much the things and people in front of us matter, right here in the now. I’m definitely guilty of this…

I tend to get caught up in worrying about shit at work… money… bills… the unknown… so much so that I forget that I need to just stop and realize. Realize that I have so much to be thankful for that is right in front of me. I have a roof over my head, food to eat and most of all, people that truly love me. Among all that, what affects me the most is the unknown. I’m guilty of over analyzing, over thinking and worrying about situations that may not even be there. Why? I have no idea. I guess you could say it’s in my nature. I could say that I try extremely hard not to, but I don’t know if that would be the entire truth. I indulge in these thoughts sometimes. But not by choice, it’s just where my mind goes.

I hope one day, I can be rid of these tendencies. But for now, all I can do is try to tame it. At the risk of sounding like a broken record, I know that the controlling side of me is what brings these tendencies out the most – but I don’t really know the root cause. I know that I am in control of my life, how certain things or people affect me. I know that. However there are those times where I feel I am completely helpless.

What comes to my mind right now is my career. This has been the main source of my stress lately and I truly have been trying to see the positive side of things, but it’s hard. I’m one person and I’m human. I feel like I’m losing control of my power over the things that I want. Listen, my business is taking off and we are getting busier than ever lately… these are good things. I’m happy because I know that there are a lot of small businesses struggling right now to keep afloat. I just feel like, I wish I could handle the stress that it is bringing in my life. I think I am feeling all of these things and it is all hitting at once because I have spent the last few weeks trying to bottle up my anxiety and fear of failing.

I need to be prepared for what is to come and I don’t think I’m ready. As much as there are luxuries with owning your business, feeling accomplished that you built something from the ground up, there are those downsides. Do they outweigh the positives? That is what I guess I’m trying to figure out. I can’t just walk away. I don’t want to. But from the way I feel sometimes, maybe that is the best thing for me. Then again, is it?

I feel like I’m on the road to a mental/emotional breakdown and I don’t know whether I should just let it happen or do something now to try to prevent that. Every day it’s the same routine… emails at work, emails at home, work at work, work at home, work on the weekends, work while I’m out, and work while I’m off. When does it stop? Is this my life? Is this how things will be? While things were going well, now things are changing and I have to shift gears. Perhaps that’s what is so hard to deal with. I wasn’t ready. I’m not ready. Is that okay? Is that wrong? It sure feels like it.

Nope. I’m stronger than that. Right? Why am I whining and complaining over things that I should be embracing? Do my feelings have at least a little validity? Do I have a right to feel this way or am I just scared? There are too many questions in my mind and I can’t process them all and I can’t turn my brain off, I need the answers to all my questions now.

One day, I guess I’ll be able to handle all of this unknown.

And at the end of the day, all this shit that I stress about, worry about, should really be small ‘tid-bits’ of what I focus my energy on. Writing certainly helps to release some of that worry and negativity without burdening others with my issues – but ultimately the change in this must come from within myself. So, I guess what I am trying to say is, I need to get it out, process it, and move on. My life, is great. I have self-love, true love from others and success.

These are the things that I need to remember, always.

Until next time…

Master and Commander, FjB

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