A New Chapter…not just a New Year

Greetings and welcome back to the world of 20-something! Or should I really welcome myself back to this world after my long hiatus from writing…? I’ve found myself in somewhat of a different world than I was 7 months ago, when last I wrote.

Let me explain…

My most recent romantic relationship ended, I moved into a new home in a different city and have struck a new commitment in taking care of myself.

-But- Let me back up just a tad there. Moving on from my last romantic relationship was not a decision that I had made nor one that I wanted, and I fought it. For the first time in my life I felt what it was like to be broken up with and did not have a clear understanding what exactly was the cause nor the reason. In all of my past relationships, there typically was one or all of the following: a slow decline of the relationship as a whole, a separation, infidelity (on my partner’s side), repetitive bickering, or simply just a clear sign to both parties that the relationship was simply not working. In this case, one could argue that there were various moments of repetitive bickering but all-in-all there was no clear sign the relationship was headed towards the ending that became. Naturally, I was devastated. I planned my whole world around this relationship. Our families had become close and our lives were seemingly becoming as one. Despite the hard times, there were plenty of more times where I thought to myself that this could be a long-lasting relationship. When you discuss future plans with someone, when you begin to plan your life with someone, when you discuss things so dear to your heart, only to find out that deep down he/she was not truly feeling that way… I do believe that is one of the greatest forms of heartbreak. Of course, looking back there are always the signs and signs that you ignore because you’re in the moment and in love and it’s great and oh it’s nothing, it’ll pass. Especially looking back on my previous post on unrequited love… that is when I should have walked away. My gut was telling me then to just walk away, but for me it is a bit more complicated than that. I am a huge cynic. Always have been and probably always will be. So, it is hard for me to differentiate the difference between my cynicism and my gut because sometimes I know that I can be too hard on people. BUT sometimes they deserve it!! (See what I did there) Anyway, I digress. The point is in my case, my gut was right. Clearly my partner truly did not love me that way, did not plan to have a future with me, was clearly pressured to stay with me for whatever personal reasons, and decided to wake up one morning and finally tell the truth. And might I mention this inspiring revelation to come clean sparked my now ex-partner to end our relationship 72 hours before New Year’s day. Happy new year’s!

Despite my untimely heartbreak, the short-sale on my condo was finalized a few months prior and my checklist of renovations was finally growing thin. Once my list was complete, I had my move in date and can you guess when it was?! Yup, New Year’s weekend. Great timing. Here I am, a homeowner, thrown into a whirlwind of changes and all in a 6-month time frame! It’s a lot, isn’t it? I had a moment standing at the top of the stairs in my new home, my confused beagle panting impatiently in front of me, walls bare, cardboard boxes everywhere, cabinets half empty, and a feeling of fate overcame me. I just knew in that moment that I was exactly where I was supposed to be in that moment at that day and all felt right. It didn’t matter what happened a month, or a week, a day or even an hour before because it that moment – it was right.

Since then, I have made my house a home and I have been committed to putting myself first. Although I am a Leo and it is in my nature to boast about myself and be quite selfish, it is also in my nature to be very loving. With that comes the tendency to put others first and forget to put that same love and passion into self-care. Now that I have cut out relationships with people that do not bring positive light into my life, I can refocus that energy into loving myself 100%. I’m not saying that I am a freaking saint, ok? My strength wavers and I stray from my goals here and there, don’t get me wrong. What is important is that I am aware, I am alive, I am present and I am able to pick my own self back up when that does happen. Now I sound like a cheesy ass postcard!

I haven’t lost all faith in love and I know that all breakups serve to teach us a lesson in the end. I’m holding hope that my “soul-mate” (whatever that really means) or rather that one person who is just made for me on every level physically, emotionally and spiritually is still out there… He’ll come and find me when the time is right. I truly believe that and will not stop believing in that.

Until next time…

-Master and Commander, FjB


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