Well then. It has been a long 3 months since I last wrote and within that time frame so much in my life has transpired. I’ve experienced a few milestones as well as some heartbreak and loss. As much as I do believe that all experiences ultimately create positive results, sometimes it is extremely hard to see beyond the exterior of the situation itself. Sometimes, things just suck. Period. And all you can do is obsess about how much it sucks and how much it hurts and how angry you are and then how sad you are.
BUT, as each day passes… those feelings subside and finally you reach a point where you have moved on. I do believe I am in the beginning stages of grieving over losing my best friend, and here’s my story…
For the last 13 years of my life, I have had the bestest best friend in the entire world. She was the best person and someone that I truly considered my soul mate in life. She was equal parts loving, caring, loyal and consistently there for me throughout the bulk of my life. I did not ever believe that there would come a day that I would say we no longer have a friendship nor do we speak. If any person tried to tell me that was possible, I shamed the thought altogether. We definitely had our ups and downs as normal relationships do, but we were able to communicate with each other. We knew each others weaknesses and tended to those needs. The bond that we shared I swore, was unbreakable. Malleable and flexible? Definitely. But brittle? frail? Never.
Somewhere down the line, things changed and in ways that I did not know how to handle. I am not entirely sure when exactly it all started, but there came a time when I began to notice a pattern of behavior. Perhaps I was blind to this behavior and purposefully so because I believed that I was immune. My best friend has an obsessive personality which means that when something new and exciting enters her life, that is the center of her focus. Everything else becomes background noise. This happened in a situation years ago and we were able to work through that time and come to a resolution. In the process, we both lost a friend and no longer speak to that person anymore as a result of certain manipulative situations that occurred.
When this started occurring again within the last year or so, the feeling was all too familiar to me. Unwilling to admit to myself that situations were coming to a repeat, I ignored the signs and my gut telling me otherwise. When I came to the realization that I had just lost more friendships as a result of this re-occurrence, I had become conscious of what I had become a product of. There was a pattern here and realizing this was incredibly appalling. I was blind to my own judgement and did not see that I was being manipulated. My best friend, used my trust to manipulate situations to hide her tendency to obsess over someone new in her life and push me off to the back burner. She may not and still may not believe that this is what she does (she is a very stubborn Taurus), but this is the honest truth. When I realized this, I decided to put my foot down and stick up for myself in the hopes that perhaps things will change… I was wrong.
In an attempt to stand up for myself, what I deserve and for my feelings, I was given the cold shoulder. The coldest shoulder that I have ever felt by someone I held such a high regard for. And in that moment, all of my suspicions, all of my hurt, all of my theories, all of my assumptions, became fact. Fast forward a month and half later, where I am still grieving with this loss.
How can someone say to you that you mean so much to them, but cannot put aside their own pride to take responsibility?
In the last eight months alone, I have experienced some of the biggest milestones in my life. I attended my last year of college, completed my senior project, graduated, walked across that stage for graduation and bought my first car. All of which she was barely present for. She wasn’t there for my senior project celebration, she wasn’t at my graduation ceremony, she wasn’t at my graduation party, and all of which I did not hold against her, until the moment I asked for more. The moment I asked, “what about me?” And then, I was the bad guy. Am I still angry?
Hell yeah. I am so angry. I am so hurt. I am so embarrassed. Because how could I allow someone to treat me this way? When I proclaim my feelings, my hurt, I get shunned. How is that love?
I am grieving the loss of such a powerful presence in my life and I am learning to cope with the fact that things will never be the same. I am getting too old for burning bridges and I hope one day I can mend those that have been wrongly burned. Until then, I will learn how I can better myself and guard my life so that this type of negativity is barred.
Losing your best friend is a pain that cannot be described in words and it is a wound that will never fully heal. While I would never wish ill-will upon anyone, I do hope that this situation brings much needed insight to my now ‘ex-best friend’. I hope she gains awareness of her actions and tendencies so that maybe with future friendships and relationships, history will not repeat itself.
Until next time…
-Master and Commander, FjB