Love. We all want to be loved… feel love… be loved… and sometimes, we end up loving those who do not love us back.
Most of the time, when we find ourselves in this situation, those closest to us feed us kind words such as, “In the end it’s their loss!”. The thought is sweet, but even when speaking those words, they know that nothing can take away the pain one feels from falling for someone who did not quite fall the same.
I have had the unfortunate pleasure of truly experiencing this once in my life and as cliche as it sounds, I would not wish the same unto my worst enemy. Realizing you love someone so much, putting in so much effort, risking it all, only to find they do not feel even remotely the same – that is a feeling which can tear your world apart. Love makes you feel, act and perceive in ways that do not follow your natural way of being. So when this happens, all that makes sense for us to do is question our entire existence.
What am I if I can’t receive the love of someone I love?
Was I not good enough?
What did I do wrong?
What did I not do enough of?
And after that, we vow never to allow ourselves to fall again… except, there’s one problem… we always end up falling again. However, this process only gets more difficult the older we get. The reality of settling down seeps in, we make investments, spend precious time, envision and plan for the future and then, in a moment, it can all disappear.
Up until about 7 months ago, I was as single as single can get and hey, I was pretty damn content with it too. I didn’t need anyone to keep me company, I was doing my own thing and living my days just fine on my own. About a year before that, I had been through a pretty tumultuous kind-of-break-up and vowed to be on my own with no intent to change (And I say kind-of-break-up because I was involved with a guy who would not commit to me but wanted all of the benefits of my love without the title of being my boyfriend. He managed to weasel his way out of every confrontation about it and strung me along until I finally got off of the godforsaken merry-go-round).
But then, I met someone. And quite slowly, everything changed. I had forgotten what it was like to have someone so interested in your life, what you do, who you are, where you come from and not to mention all over you all the time. I knew I was in love the first time we kissed and I didn’t hesitate to move forward. Despite my vow off of love itself not too long before.
And so of course, the usual phases of new relationships came and went accordingly. There is no relationship in existence that is impervious to the strain that Time puts on one and we experienced our first few tests of Time. The first time, I do believe it brought us closer as we talked, cried and laughed back to unison. But, just as these things go, there was a second time where our bond was tested and I am not so sure this one strengthened us. I am not one to just brush anything under the rug, slap a band-aid on and call it a day. If something is broken, then I make a point to fix it or walk away. My partner’s reaction to almost every negative situation is to put it off and I think that is an area which causes major disconnect. It is impossible for me to function under such conditions. I wear my heart on my sleeve and that is who I am.
I think it is easy for certain people to get comfortable, lazy, content and begin to grow out certain relationships but deny the occurrence. Some people think, “Oh, it’s just a phase and it’ll pass”, but in actuality – if you have to tell yourself that and not your partner, there is something that is not right. I am currently living in this predicament right now so it is very real to me to speak on this subject. Communication in a relationship is never going to be easy and I don’t want anything in my relationships to be easy. But I do want to feel love.
Words, words… Words are shit. I want, No. I need actions. I need to feel Love. My current state of mind is that I am feeling unrequited love. I love my partner and I do not believe he loves me back the same. Don’t get me wrong, I know he cares about me, about my well-being, about my family… hell, I know he cares about my dog too. But I just think sometimes, you just know. This type of love doesn’t fade. It might evolve and it might stray, but in the end, it never leaves.
I’m strong and I will never stop being strong. I don’t fear the pain of unrequited love. I fear going through the motions, planning my future, expecting certain outcomes and having it all pulled away in an instant.
Until next time…
-Master and Commander, FjB