I am admittedly, a huge hopeless romantic. Emphasis on the hopeless. I am however, one of those hopeless romantics that only apply this type of lifestyle to one aspect of life: my love life.
In every other aspect of my life, whether that be work, education, finances, and day-to-day routines I am quite the logical person. Meaning I base all of my decisions purely on facts and if it does not make sense, I investigate, heavily.
There are times where I wish I could turn that side of me off and run my love life the way I do the rest of my life, but at this point I believe it is part of who I am.
I know that it’s unhealthy to think about things that I wish I could change about myself, but this area of my life is one of those where I just can’t seem to shake. I am aware of my tendencies and my lack of self-awareness when it comes to my love life, but in the moment my heart takes the wheel and my mind the backseat.
Alas, you as my Priest and I, as a repeated sinner of love, I confess:
3. I have been known to fall for the same type of partner, over and over – even when I know that they might possibly be the worst. I’m not sure what it is about meeting someone new, falling in love or lust, and starting a new relationship that makes us all literally go insane. I am a major offender of this concept and I have been known to set aside my concerns out of hope that my partner will change. It sounds crazy now saying it out loud… We genuinely expect our partners, who have probably had these lifelong habits and faults and we believe that they will wake up one day and magically change! It’s that easy, right? I have learned the hard way that the answer is no, not always. I have been in relationships where I have settled, compromised my own values and beliefs all to save what I thought would be a long lasting relationship. The lesson here is although I am thankful for those disastrous relationships, I need to learn to have my bottom lines, and stick to it! I believe this goes hand in hand with being aware of your self-worth which I believe all people struggle with.
2. I have been addicted to and stayed in a tumultuous, poisonous relationship because I did not want to be alone. This confession is the hardest for me to admit because all along I masked this issue. I claimed that I was sticking it out because maybe it will get better, maybe we’ll be better, maybe we’ll both change. Nobody ever wants to admit that we purposely and knowingly stayed in a relationship we knew was terrible just because we did not want to be alone. I have always had pride in myself for being an independent woman, capable of living life on my own… how could I be terrified of being single? When you’re dealing with the fear of loneliness, all of the people in the world cannot cure it for you and no matter what you’ll never be happy. This is the lesson that I learned and was quite difficult for me to learn as well. Friends and family could not fill that void that I needed to fill myself.
1. I will never stop believing in love. Despite my past experiences with love and relationships, my biggest confession is that I will never stop believing in love. Although I may learn lessons the hard way and get hurt, I believe that in the end I would rather be remembered as a hopeless romantic than a cynic. I continue to learn more and more about myself as I build new relationships and say goodbye to old ones. Love is what I believe makes us human and keeps us alive. I know that also one day, I will find the greatest love I will ever have in my lifetime. Perhaps I have already found that love but I don’t know it yet or perhaps it is just not the right time for me. No matter the outcome, I love myself and my hopeless romantic ways even though it gets me in trouble sometimes.
Until next time.
-Master and Commander, FjB