A Poem: The Water

Sometimes I stare at the water,
It seems so far away,
I think about the life I’m living, today,
What if I,
Could,
Jump aboard a boat, and believe that it would,
Take me to another place,
A place where my soul is not bothered by ghosts of months before,
And a heart that used to feel so much love, isn’t anymore so sore,
From the hurt of heartbreak and the fall of love,
The water seems so perfect,
Ripples do often fade,
But water is never still,
Summertime swimming knows me best,
For there were many times underwater I was,
And naked my eyes were,
Don’t open your eyes underwater without goggles!”
They would often tell me,
Over and over,
But yet, day by day, there I was,
Eyes naked underneath in the calm waters,
Only learning my lesson when I emerge and feel that warm sting overcome my eyes,
And the red veins appeared,
Little did I know this would be comparable to my life story,
Eyes wide open, without proper protection,
Loving endlessly and left with a warm bitter sting of disappointment.

~

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Until next time…

Master and Commander, Fjb

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New Years

Greeting readers,

Happy New Year! I have been on a bit of a writing hiatus and have decided to come back in full force. I celebrated the new year with some very good family and friends but yet of course there was a piece missing.

I have been avoiding truly feeling the complete loss of Z. It’s easy for people to simply say, “You need to just move on. You’re better off.” Etc. Etc.

But, I don’t want to. I know what I am about to say sounds crazy but if in order to stay connected to him even in the least bit – if that means I still clutch to this part, this memory… then that is what I want. Regardless of how much it will hurt, regardless of how much I will feel hopeless, regardless of how much it will make me sick, I want it. I don’t know what the future holds for me but all I can and want to worry about, is now.

I know this all sounds incredibly unhealthy and perhaps a little insane, far from all rationale, but it’s what I am feeling in the now.

This recurring question or theme of question has been coming up quite frequently lately. People are curious to know, As a result of your breakup – what have you learned? What can you take away from this relationship?

When I have been getting this question, my response is a shrug of my shoulders and a look away. Hiding my face of distress.

Do you want to know my honest answer?

Nothing. 

I fell in love, followed my heart and seemingly found my forever mate only to be lied to & disappointed. What is there to learn from that?

I was my most mature self and thought I had finally found my counterpart in life. Someone with maturity and the ambition to match… There were no real issues within our relationship, only the demons that haunted him from the past.

One of my closest siblings suffers from extreme depression so becoming romantically involved with someone who suffers from seasonal depression and daily anxiety was not something that would easily scare me away. I myself have suffered from depression and deal with my own anxiety demons as well. Not very many are aware of the part of my mind that constantly derails and sucks me down into the deepest darkest spots, but it’s there – alive and well.

So what’s done is done. There is no going back and I only must move forward. Recalling back to one of my earlier blogs where I quoted my ex-husband ranting about how I was impossible to love and that no being would want to marry me. I can’t help but think he’s right. I know that I am not impossible to love, I have close friends and family that truly love me, yes. I have that. But to love someone you want to marry, romantically spend your life with, have a partner for life – perhaps he was right. With Z, I came close. If he had asked me to marry him, I would have said yes without hesitation and married him the next day. I thought the feeling was mutual – but I was wrong.

Here’s to the new year, although I am starting it off holding on to my shit from the past – I am still moving forward and I refuse to wither away. This quite conflicting attitude of mine I can only hope becomes clearer as the days move forward.

I wish you all a great start to the new year, happiness and health.

Until next time…

Master and Commander, FjB

Poem: Unsaved

My eyes are wide open,
And the veil has been lifted,
And this wasn’t supposed to happen,
I’m suffering more than I seem,
I must admit it,
Stuck alone on this island,
Of misery and grief,
My SOS is unheard, no rescue or relief,
You said your signals were mixed,
You’re overwhelmed with guilt,
But when you shot out your flare,
And blew smoke out to the sky,
The message was crystal clear,
I guess I couldn’t see through your disguise,
Another defeat,
Another cry,
I can’t ever get this right,
And the same situations often repeat,
I hope you look back and see all that you took from me,
And prevent the destruction of another soul,
With your back and forth, and all of your maybe’s,
No amount of power can take this love away,
You’ll always remain within this deep scathing scar,
Never fully healed and always a bit open,
I have to look past you now,
Bitter and broken.
~~

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Master and Commander, FjB

A Story: One and Every Evening.

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It’s the evening time and she walks through the magnetic mesh and through the patio door. It’s cold on this night and the brisk air feels as if it is attempting to enter her skin. She sits down and stares down at her pack of cigarettes, proceeds to pull one out and light it up. The first inhale providing a physical sensation of relief… this she knows is feeding her unhealthy addiction. With every inhale and exhale, the thoughts begin to roll in. As she attempts to evade these thoughts she soon realizes her efforts are useless. For her mind is going to continue to wander into the darkness that is filled with much void. She finishes her cigarette, dissatisfied and gloomy.

She looks around at her empty house and contemplates the one thing which her mind relentlessly compels her to contemplate… the future. Now she is standing in her bathroom, looking in the mirror, silently asking herself the same questions over and over.

How did I end up here?
What did I do to deserve this?
Why can’t I just be happy?

These questions, she knows, are not ones that she can provide answers to. At times in this empty house, she moves forward about her day and recalls memories that appear almost as ghosts now. However these ghosts come to her in visions and she relives each and every one of them. This continues on, every single day. This is what is breaking her down and although behind a laugh or a smile, she knows that deep down inside the walls are foreclosing in on her. She is the ultimate liar. Mom and Dad see she’s happy, so that must be true. Sister and brother see she’s happy, so that must be true. Yes…this is what she wants. To be left alone in her own world of sorrow and grief. This is how she will continue her days and beyond. For unfortunately, there is not a cure for everyone. For unfortunately, there is no sunrise at the end of a dark night. For unfortunately, not everyone can survive the bitter and disparaging storm.

This, she knows. As much as at times she will try to save herself, she will continue to drown in the misery that has been so clearly laid out in front of her as her destiny.

All of this occurs, in one and every evening. She puts herself to bed, lays awake in a piercing silence only to wake the next morning and live this life all over again.

~

Master and Commander, FjB

Moving Forward.

Greetings readers,

Life has been moving along these days and passing by quite quickly as well. I haven’t been writing lately and not sure that has been helping my current state of mind. As usual, I wish I had all of the right answers and I wish I could change certain situations that are out of my control. The holidays are here and along with it all of my fears and uncertainties. I wrote this poem a few weeks ago that I’d like to share. Although my life was a little different then, I feel it still accurately represents what I am going through. Enjoy.

Here comes the fall,
I’m in it now,

And I’ve lost it all,
Still asking myself, how?
Here comes the truth,
I have to hear it now, 
I want to fight, but what’s the use?
I can hear the walls falling,
It’s much too loud,
You left me here, and continue to play with my heart,
Up and down, here, not there,
Where do I start?
You’ve broken my soul,
There’s nothing left,
Darkness has taken a hold,
Over everything I kept,
Clutching hard to the memories and what we used to have,
I wish you loved me more,
Than you do your demons,
For then we could survive,
Hand in hand, heart in heart,
I fear every time you come, you’ll leave again,
And here I’ll be,
Still broken, not mended. 

Until next time…

Master and Commander, FjB

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Zechariah.

Greetings readers,

Part of losing a relationship you once had doesn’t just include mourning the loss of just one person. When you’re with someone, their friends become your friends, or their family becomes your family. So when you grieve over a lover, you’re also bound to grieve the loss of those extended relationships as well.

What has been on my mind lately is one person. One pure young heart that I fell in love with. 10 years on this earth and already wise beyond his years…still a kid at heart of course, but wise nonetheless.

I can’t wrap my head around not being able to see him again, or make fun beach plans, or that I’ll never be able to take him to more concerts, or bring him around my family, my nieces and nephews. My parents, that would love and spoil the shit outta him… I’ve been avoiding these thoughts lately and they’ve finally caught up to me.

Sure, it was just a few months that I was really spending quality time with him but, that’s all that it took. I fell in love with him and from that moment on I wanted to give him everything. I can still hear him say that my Mac and cheese was the best he’d ever had! That’s a statement alright, and one that I’ll always remember. I also think about all of the wrestling, the tickle fights and most of all, the love we shared for ev-er-y-thing nerdly.

Most of all, I go back to the moments where he would embrace me with a tender long hug or when we were laying down watching a movie or show. Him next to me, asking me the most intriguing questions or simply just leaning on me. He has this way of bringing out a light in you, and it didn’t matter what shitty day or week you had because he just made it better.

And his laugh, oh my gosh, his laugh, could seriously bring anyone out of the darkest mood. I miss it. I miss him.

I know I have to deal with the fact that I’ll never have that back, and it truly rips my heart into pieces. I wish I could hug him again, see his smile, but I can’t. And I won’t. My days have been very dark lately because all of these realities are coming to a head and I don’t really know how to deal with it all. All I know is that a few months ago I was so incredibly fulfilled and right now, I feel like so much Love has been ripped out from my insides. I’m living in just a shell of a body, day in and day out. My soul is broken.

I apologize for all of my recent quite morose posts as of late. But as I have promised, I will always share my truth and this is real life. This is my life and there’s no choice of hiding behind empty words for me. This is pure honesty from my heart.

Until next time…

-Master and Commander, FjB

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Z

Poem of the Day

Greetings readers,

I am still on my journey to find peace and happiness. I don’t have much to say but I’d like to share one of my favorite poems from the book The Lord of The Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring, by J.R.R Tolkien that has always resonated with me but now more than ever. Enjoy.

“All that is Gold does not Glitter,
Not all those who Wander are Lost,
The old that is Strong does not Wither,
Deep roots are not reached by the frost,
From the ashes a Fire shall be Woken,
A Light from the shadow shall Spring,
Renewed shall be Blade that was Broken,
The Crownless again shall be King”

– J.R.R. Tolkien

Until next time…

-Master and Commander, FjB