Falling Back.

Greetings readers,

Often when we are getting over someone, it almost feels like we are overcoming an addiction. It used to be that when you broke up with someone, or if someone broke up with you, you wouldn’t have to see or hear about them as much or if at all. This ultimately aided in healing process and allowed for you to completely move on from that relationship.

Unfortunately, in today’s age, there is a little thing called social media. And with it comes all of the wonderful yet not so wonderful memories of your past. It’s almost a bit embarrassing, to have to go through and remove all of the old pictures, posts and maybe even comments from when you were in a relationship that has since ended. It used to be maybe we had pictures to throw away…teddy bears or stuffed animals…letters… but times have changed. There are digital reminders just about everywhere making it almost impossible to properly grieve over a past relationship.

I myself am experiencing this to the fullest extent. I feel like a broken record, repeatedly writing about this break up but unfortunately, I have not been able to move on. I can’t remember the last time it took me this long to get over someone… I don’t know if I have ever experienced this.

I did something bad. I gave in. While looking through old pictures and social media posts (thanks Facebook), I texted him. After doing so well at trying to put him out of my thoughts, I cracked. I couldn’t help myself, I continued to have a conversation with him as if nothing had happened. Avoiding true feelings and issues, this is Paul’s specialty – so it was easy for him to engage in day-to-day conversation as if we had some type of friendship. I told him I loved and missed him, and he said the same. I felt high. I felt that surge of euphoria come over me the entire conversation. As soon as it was over, I wanted more. This continued on for a few days, until I received my karma… my reminder as to why I am in the position that I am in.

We’re having a conversation about a past fun memory and while explaining to him how I felt, I got what I deserved, A Reminder. We were talking about a 10K event that we ran together for the city’s Strawberry festival. To make it especially fun, we dressed up as Strawberry’s – the whole rounded costume and everything, matching. During our conversation, I mentioned that I had signed up for this same running event and he assumed I would be dressing up in the same getup. When I responded no, he asked why and I explained that it was because it was something that he and I did together, that I couldn’t because of that. Then he called that reason, my reason “Silly”.

I’m not sure what the thought process is when a person tells someone expressing their feelings and using the word “Silly”. At that moment, I got my karma and had this moment asking myself, what the fuck am I doing. And I don’t really know. I don’t think that anyone has ever really told this man how much of an asshole he really is. For someone who claims mental and emotional instability, it’s incredible how much he can inflict the same onto others. Especially me, the one who he royally screwed over. Anyway, that is all beside the point.

The point is, when we’re faced with this temptation, with that urge or need to reach out to someone we have ended a relationship with – have strength and think twice. If someone truly loves you, they’ll fight through any hardship, any storm to be with you. Whether those hardships are internal battles seeming impossible to overcome. Which means that if a relationship did not work out because the other did not fight to be with you, there’s a reason they are no longer in your life now. And it should stay that way.

Until next time…

-Master and Commander, FjB

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Poem: I see you.

Greetings readers,

As I was looking through my notebook of poems, I came across a poem I wrote about a year ago from now. It’s odd that I did not date this poem because typically I date everything. My life is completely different from where I was in April of last year, but I would still like to share it. Although this poem is about Paul, who is no longer in my life, I think that sharing these old feelings will help in my healing process from this heartbreak. Enjoy.

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I see you.

Sometimes we unexpectedly meet someone and out entire life changes,
The moment you exchange words,
It becomes the only interaction you want to engage in.
February 25th, 2017,
My entire life changed.
I met the most beautiful soul I had ever seen,
I fell in love, hard and without complaint.
March 21st, 2017,
A day I was beyond petrified for,
Feeling so alone and terrified of the unknown with my health,
But you were there for me, I couldn’t have asked for anything more,
After my MRI,
You surprised me with a cup of ambition and you made me feel like I could fly,
I felt I could prepare for any outcome of the test with you by my side,
That day, I knew I loved you,
And I want you to know that I see you,
I love you and all of your broken pieces,
True love can overcome any demons, believe me when I say this,
When you look in the mirror and see all that you wish away,
Know that I see you and I know you’ll be okay,
My love for you knows no bounds,
And every day that passes it becomes more profound,
Like a sailor’s love for the sea,
Like a hiker’s love for an elegant tree,
You will rise and you will fall,
And I will there by your side through it all,
I will love you in the darkness during the times you cannot love yourself,
To support you, watch you pick back up and overcome,
All that you have ever withheld,
I want you to know that I see you,
And what I say I know is our truth,
There’s a reason for us, this, and this stonewall of struggles,
We will break it down together, side by side and arise through the rubble.
~~

Until next time…

Master and Commander, FjB

 

Welcoming Spring.

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Portland, OR

Greetings readers,

I have decided to come out of hibernation at the start of the new Spring season and reflect on the past few months. I must admit, I have sunken into the depths of dealing with concealed depression.

I am walking in uncharted waters at the moment and sort of fumbling my way through. I don’t mean to speak so metaphorically but I truly don’t know how else to describe what it is I am going through. I know in my mind I need to come out of the burrow I have made for myself and get back into my groove but I haven’t yet found the energy.

On the surface and around others, I am as cool as they come. As soon as the noise fades and I am alone with my thoughts is when all breaks away. I find myself feeling out of my own body and unable to control my mind. I know I should go to therapy, but I don’t. I am almost aware of how stuck I am in this nasty swamp of sadness that it’s almost at the same time comforting. Does that make sense? Like I cling to this sadness because I know that although I may not be able to control it, I understand it. Where I know in therapy I will have confront other issues that I don’t understand — and to be honest that scares the shit out of me.

I am trying to find light in all of the good in my life and all that I should be thankful that I have but lately that has been hard. I am trying to focus on moving forward instead of looking behind, but that has been hard. I conceal my real feelings and suppress any type of expression as well because it’s just…easier that way.

I recently took a week’s long vacation (yes, 5 consecutive days away from work), which I have not done in years. I was hoping this would be a chance at a full reset…a refresh to really begin my journey in starting over. While my vacation was incredibly fun and relaxing, I came home still with a lot of the same baggage that I had when my vacation began.

On my first night in New York, while in a cab passing through Queens from JFK to mid-town… I received a text from Paul. The timing of his text is nothing short of the cruelest. Perhaps he texted me while I was on the plane and I had just received it to my phone after turning it back on after the flight – that is possible, however, to be passing by the city I know he’s from and see his text simply sucked. It wasn’t an angry text, he was wishing me well along with drudging up a memory of a 10K we ran together last year.

I cried the entire cab ride to my hotel.

I’m not sure what would prompt someone to send that type of text to someone they completely fucked over. I mean let’s be real here, he was basically saying, “Hey remember that one time we were together and everything was great & I used to tell you I would spend my life with you cause you’re my best friend?? Yeah me too. Hope you’re doing great now that you know that was all a sham. Bye!”

It’s a complete wrench in the gut. I decided not to respond for fear of the same situation to repeat. The situation where conversation strikes up, we end up getting together, he ends up in my bed and a few days later proclaiming his fear of moving forward. You know, the same situation he put me through about 4 times.

In that moment, I decided that I am worth more than that. I am worth more than the type of text that is clearly an ignorant ‘hope you’re well!” wish. I really am. And knowing what I know now I refuse to be treated like a doormat and I refuse to continue to put myself in a situation where I give everything but am left with nothing. I guess you could call this progress.

As usual, I am telling myself to commit more to writing, both with my blogs and poems. Today is the start and I intend to keep my promise to myself. Ultimately, I am hoping it will bring about overall mental and emotional health wellness.

Until next time…

-Master and Commander, FjB

 

Forgetting Someone.

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Greetings readers,

Welcome to the new year. As we near the end of January, I am reflecting on what has been a pretty crazy few weeks of 2018 so far. I feel as though on the surface I have been able to keep busy and keep my mind occupied however, the feelings & thoughts that I have been so successful at suffocating are beginning to inflate.

Today I will be talking about my battle in trying to forget someone.

Which is, in a few words – fucking hard.

Let’s recall back to early 2017 when, O-EM-GEE, I found the love of my life ya’ll!!!

… so I had thought.

February 2017 through to about October 2017 were probably one of the greatest months of my life and now, all I want at this moment is to forget every single moment of it. I don’t think I have wanted to forget someone so much in my entire life until now. I wish I had never met him, I wish I had never dated him, got close, opened up my life, my trust, my heart, my family — my everything. All to one person who took it for granted.

I think at the beginning of any type of relationship, we admire all of the good in people. We are reminded of how caring and kind a person can be and we are reminded of this so much so that we completely forget about how cruel a person can also be.

Paul was supposed to be different. He was supposed to be mature, caring and accountable. In the end he was none of the above. He fulfilled all of the needs I ever expressed and painted a picture of the future that was so clear & within grasp. Little did I know all of that would be washed away in the most cowardly fashion possible.

I understand mental health issues to its fullest extent having grown up with a younger sibling who battled severe depression since I can remember. I am well-versed in mental illness from my own experiences as well. Words are incapable of doing justice to the feelings you carry while dealing with mental health issues. However, that is no excuse to behave as if you are unaware on your actions affect others nor is it an excuse to forget to be accountable for your actions. Mental health issues are not to be your scapegoat for which you blame your choices on – they may be able to explain certain behavior or actions but they do not define the way you are accountable for the things that you do. Especially when it comes to concern the lives of others, children or family included.

So here I am, praying to God every day, wishing that I could drill out all of the past memories, the feelings I have in order to simply move on and forget. This relationship taught me nothing. There were no lessons to be learned and no takeaways for future reference. This just plain, hurts.

Paul got everything and left me with nothing.

He broke everything that I had worked so hard to build, within myself and the way I viewed romantic relationships. I’m not sure where to go from here. I mean, I know that when you’re at the bottom, the only way to go is up but I feel like I haven’t even started to transcend.

I am grieving. Grieving the loss of a man that never really existed. A man that was a figment of perhaps both of our imaginations. A man who wore the perfect mask and bore the perfect language.

I am exhausted. Exhausted from feeling this way, exhausted from feeling this pain and remembering and trying so hard to forget. I’m no longer angry, I just want to be free of this.

I will continue to write and post about my journey through this in hopes that I can inspire others to pull themselves up after they have fallen. I am trying to get there.

Until next time…

-Master and Commander, FjB

 

 

A Poem: The Water

Sometimes I stare at the water,
It seems so far away,
I think about the life I’m living, today,
What if I,
Could,
Jump aboard a boat, and believe that it would,
Take me to another place,
A place where my soul is not bothered by ghosts of months before,
And a heart that used to feel so much love, isn’t anymore so sore,
From the hurt of heartbreak and the fall of love,
The water seems so perfect,
Ripples do often fade,
But water is never still,
Summertime swimming knows me best,
For there were many times underwater I was,
And naked my eyes were,
Don’t open your eyes underwater without goggles!”
They would often tell me,
Over and over,
But yet, day by day, there I was,
Eyes naked underneath in the calm waters,
Only learning my lesson when I emerge and feel that warm sting overcome my eyes,
And the red veins appeared,
Little did I know this would be comparable to my life story,
Eyes wide open, without proper protection,
Loving endlessly and left with a warm bitter sting of disappointment.

~

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Until next time…

Master and Commander, Fjb

New Years

Greeting readers,

Happy New Year! I have been on a bit of a writing hiatus and have decided to come back in full force. I celebrated the new year with some very good family and friends but yet of course there was a piece missing.

I have been avoiding truly feeling the complete loss of Z. It’s easy for people to simply say, “You need to just move on. You’re better off.” Etc. Etc.

But, I don’t want to. I know what I am about to say sounds crazy but if in order to stay connected to him even in the least bit – if that means I still clutch to this part, this memory… then that is what I want. Regardless of how much it will hurt, regardless of how much I will feel hopeless, regardless of how much it will make me sick, I want it. I don’t know what the future holds for me but all I can and want to worry about, is now.

I know this all sounds incredibly unhealthy and perhaps a little insane, far from all rationale, but it’s what I am feeling in the now.

This recurring question or theme of question has been coming up quite frequently lately. People are curious to know, As a result of your breakup – what have you learned? What can you take away from this relationship?

When I have been getting this question, my response is a shrug of my shoulders and a look away. Hiding my face of distress.

Do you want to know my honest answer?

Nothing. 

I fell in love, followed my heart and seemingly found my forever mate only to be lied to & disappointed. What is there to learn from that?

I was my most mature self and thought I had finally found my counterpart in life. Someone with maturity and the ambition to match… There were no real issues within our relationship, only the demons that haunted him from the past.

One of my closest siblings suffers from extreme depression so becoming romantically involved with someone who suffers from seasonal depression and daily anxiety was not something that would easily scare me away. I myself have suffered from depression and deal with my own anxiety demons as well. Not very many are aware of the part of my mind that constantly derails and sucks me down into the deepest darkest spots, but it’s there – alive and well.

So what’s done is done. There is no going back and I only must move forward. Recalling back to one of my earlier blogs where I quoted my ex-husband ranting about how I was impossible to love and that no being would want to marry me. I can’t help but think he’s right. I know that I am not impossible to love, I have close friends and family that truly love me, yes. I have that. But to love someone you want to marry, romantically spend your life with, have a partner for life – perhaps he was right. With Z, I came close. If he had asked me to marry him, I would have said yes without hesitation and married him the next day. I thought the feeling was mutual – but I was wrong.

Here’s to the new year, although I am starting it off holding on to my shit from the past – I am still moving forward and I refuse to wither away. This quite conflicting attitude of mine I can only hope becomes clearer as the days move forward.

I wish you all a great start to the new year, happiness and health.

Until next time…

Master and Commander, FjB

Poem: Unsaved

My eyes are wide open,
And the veil has been lifted,
And this wasn’t supposed to happen,
I’m suffering more than I seem,
I must admit it,
Stuck alone on this island,
Of misery and grief,
My SOS is unheard, no rescue or relief,
You said your signals were mixed,
You’re overwhelmed with guilt,
But when you shot out your flare,
And blew smoke out to the sky,
The message was crystal clear,
I guess I couldn’t see through your disguise,
Another defeat,
Another cry,
I can’t ever get this right,
And the same situations often repeat,
I hope you look back and see all that you took from me,
And prevent the destruction of another soul,
With your back and forth, and all of your maybe’s,
No amount of power can take this love away,
You’ll always remain within this deep scathing scar,
Never fully healed and always a bit open,
I have to look past you now,
Bitter and broken.
~~

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Master and Commander, FjB